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As part of my therapy for depression, I’ve been openly talking about my struggle on social media (google + and facebook, mostly with a few posts on DreamWidth which are mirrored to LiveJournal).  I’ve been thinking of setting up an actual blog to try to reach more folks.  Not out of vanity but because I want other folks suffering from mental health issues to know that they are not alone.  Mental illness is not a moral failing, it is a health issue.   I also want to point folks at useful resources such as www.nami.org

NAMI is National Alliance on Mental Illness and it raises awareness, offers support for those with mental health issues and their families.  There are NAMI chapters all across the US.

I also hope to find resources for those outside the US but most of my experience is US based including with the deeply flawed US health system.

I also have physical health issues which are tied into my mental health. I have arthritis and chronic back pain.  So I will likely write often about coping with those.  It is all connected to my overall general wellness.

Welcome aboard.  I hope to provide useful information and insights amidst my ramblings here.  I welcome feedback but will moderate comments to weed out abuse, trolling and the like.

~hugs~

Cheryl

 

Restless

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I feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting.   The requested evals are done.  So I am waiting for some strangers in an office not too far from here to decide if I am broken enough to receive disability.

I am seeing pictures from my friends at Pennsic and my friends travelling to Worldcon and I am wistful.  I want to travel.  I want to dress up in funny clothes and have magical encounters.

I miss my Nia.  She’s haunting my dreams.  I hope she’s okay.  Yes, I’ve tried to contact her but I have heard nothing back.  I worry, too, about my friend Beth.  I miss, as well, those friends and acquaintances from all of the places I’ve lived and visited over the years.

Worry is my old friend. I fret, as usual, about money.  I fret about being useless.  I couldn’t even hold the coffee carafe to fill it this morning.  I had to use two hands.  I had a spurt of activity feeding the critters (birds and kitties).  I fed myself too.  But then I was tired, tired.  I just want a nap.

Or I want to be elsewhere.  Or maybe someone else.  My 25 year old self, maybe.  Or in a different universe where I stayed in NC.  Or finished my degree and did good things for humanity.  Or never left Tucson.  Or ran off to join a commune.

I hate, hate, hate having to ask others for help all the time.  I remember when I was the one able to lend a hand.  Buy a meal or run an errand.

I am sad.  I am useless.

Gratitude

Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.

Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.

Health and such.

Just finished my physical eval for disability.  I am tired beyond words.  It was stressful in a myriad of ways.  The doc was really kind though.  I just hate being broken.  I’d much rather be healthy or at least functional.

Next up is the mental health eval.  I’m glad have a couple of weeks to silently freak out.  This is so hard.

However, there is good health news, my last A1C was 6.4 which is an improvement over the 7.0 from the two previous tests!  So there’s that.  I’d love to eventually get off the metformin.  I have plenty enough other pills to take.

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A Confession

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I am depressed.  I haven’t blogged about it or really written very explicitly about it in quite some time.  It’s because I’m in a truly dark place and depression lies.  It lies and tells me that no one cares, no one wants to hear about my feelings/struggles.  It tells me that people are tired of my constant struggles with depression and finances and my whining about my life when obviously I have many good things.

I am worried and stressed and my depression lies and tells me that I’m being stupid/silly.  Any problem I have is my own fault and I should just *fix* it already.  I’m not sleeping or eating well (this is very bad due to my eating disorder past and I know it but my depression tells me that it doesn’t matter).

My depression tells me that everyone around me would be better off if I disappeared from the world entirely.  That ceasing to exist would be a vast improvement to my current state of uselessness.

I’m wrestling with it, the darkness, my old friend, my depression brain.  I’m trying a new antidepressant but it hasn’t had a chance to kick in yet.  I’m applying music therapy and playing silly games and trying, trying, trying to shut out the noise, the lies.  I’m mostly managing to get out of bed everyday so there’s that.

A Helping Hand fundraiser

Paypal donation link

Post Convention Drop

My partner took me to Westercon 70, the western US regional general sf/f con that moves to a different city each year.  It was in Tempe this year (and why folks thought it was a good idea to have a con in July in AZ, I just don’t know).  It was fun.  I got to see some old friends and perhaps, I made a few new ones.  However, I am an introvert and now I just want to hermit for the next month or so.    So tired.

Overdrawn at the bank.  Bills coming due.  My partner covers all of our living expenses including pet care.  So.  ~sigh~

Lots of chores undone around the house because we were away.  So much laundry!  Did I mention, v. tired?

The disability claim is still pending.  I have an appointment next week for a medical eval and then a couple of weeks after that for a mental health eval.  ~sigh~

But there’s good news.  I got out of the house for the weekend!  My A1C dropped from last reading (this is an improvement).  Woot!  My other numbers look pretty good too.  Plus my new doc has referred me to specialists.  So just gotta get myself up for making a couple of phone calls.   Trying out a new antidepressant as well.  Hope it helps.

Help me with my expenses