As part of my therapy for depression, I’ve been openly talking about my struggle on social media (google + and facebook, mostly with a few posts on DreamWidth which are mirrored to LiveJournal). I’ve been thinking of setting up an actual blog to try to reach more folks. Not out of vanity but because I want other folks suffering from mental health issues to know that they are not alone. Mental illness is not a moral failing, it is a health issue. I also want to point folks at useful resources such as www.nami.org
NAMI is National Alliance on Mental Illness and it raises awareness, offers support for those with mental health issues and their families. There are NAMI chapters all across the US.
I also hope to find resources for those outside the US but most of my experience is US based including with the deeply flawed US health system.
I also have physical health issues which are tied into my mental health. I have arthritis and chronic back pain. So I will likely write often about coping with those. It is all connected to my overall general wellness.
Welcome aboard. I hope to provide useful information and insights amidst my ramblings here. I welcome feedback but will moderate comments to weed out abuse, trolling and the like.
I am very much not okay. It’s why I haven’t blogged in so very long. I am an emotional wreck. Remember how I was having trouble sleeping? Well, that’s over. I’m now sleeping 10/11/12 hours a day or more. I am making it to appointments. I do eventually drag myself out of bed and take care of the critters.
My partner has been cooking for me. Finding delicious ways to meet my restricted dietary needs.
I’ve been dreaming vivid dreams about old friends and places.
A dear friend gave us money when things got dire at the beginning of the month. Really hoping my disability appeal will go through. Though I think we’ve found a few things to cut expenses. But medical stuff continues to stack up. We’ve both had our medications tweaked. We both need dental procedures. My partner is getting a couple of other necessary medical procedures. My orthotics cost more than expected. Not a lot more but still. ~sigh~
I just want to disappear in a puff of despair.
Lend a hand
Leave a tip.
Medical stuff. Seriously. Trying to get healthy is exhausting. And expensive. Why? And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.
So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests. It was like 8 or 10 vials! So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body. But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad. He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.
I’m researching renal diets. And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food. Yay! There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all. I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist. sigh
I still need to find a therapist. I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients. I also need to get my eyes checked. Oh, and the dentist.
In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability. Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision. I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day. But that’s not how my brain works. Anyway.
I got to see my wolfcub! So that was a happy. He gave me a pretty!
He’s making many pretties to sell. I’ll let you know where you can get yours.
Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!
- If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
- If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.
If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways:
Friday, I went to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist). He was very kind and reassuring. I have more tests including and ultrasound on my kidneys. I have Stage 3 CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease). ~sigh~ My mom died from end stage renal failure which is Stage 5. So I’m a little shaken. My mind, of course, went immediately to the worst scenario possible. The doctor also wants to check for lupus and other things. But he said many times that I shouldn’t worry at this point. My numbers aren’t good but they are borderline.
My primary doc made a good call referring me to specialists. I’m glad I switched! She’s awesome.
Oh yeah, podiatrist wants me to get diabetic orthotics so I went and got my feet measured. It’ll be around $250 for shoes and three pairs of inserts which should last for year or so.
Will need to have my current meds re-evaluated though, because a couple of them aren’t good for the kidneys.
At least I’ll have met my deductible for the year after all of this. Why is trying to stay healthy so expensive?
So, my birthday is fast approaching. I’m tossing out my wishlists in case anyone wants to do the thing.
Crafting things Amazon Wishlist
ThinkGeek Wish List
Podiatrist down. Mostly good news. Yearly checkups for now. Need orthotics though. Gotta keep my feet all healthy and stuff.
Next is dentist. I’m scared, honestly. My gums are in very poor shape. It’s likely going to take a lot of work to get a healthy mouth.
The earliest appointment with the rheumatologist I could get is late October but it is scheduled.
I have to get Finn fixed and microchipped very soon.
Mentally/emotionally, I’m up and down but not as down. Thanks, effexor! Also trying to be social. I *think* I made some real connections Saturday night. Hope this is the start of really developing a friend circle and start putting down roots which is vital to my mental health.
My disability claim was denied as many, many, many, many people warned me would happen. Now I have to decide if I have the spoons to get a lawyer and appeal. It feels overwhelming.
I will note that I have made phone calls and gotten necessary medical appointments. So that feels like a huge accomplishment to me. I will also note that I have several other phone calls to make which I’ve not steeled myself to make as of yet. I still need to see a nephrologist and a therapist and get my eyes checked. And now I need to get an appointment to get my feet all measured for orthotics so they stay as healthy as possible.
Please do not tell me how easy it is to just call see: Why don’t you just…
I guess I will continue to get out of bed each day and do what I am able.
Special thanks to my lovely, generous friends who manage to show me in a myriad of ways that I am loved.
A Helping Hand
I feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting. The requested evals are done. So I am waiting for some strangers in an office not too far from here to decide if I am broken enough to receive disability.
I am seeing pictures from my friends at Pennsic and my friends travelling to Worldcon and I am wistful. I want to travel. I want to dress up in funny clothes and have magical encounters.
I miss my Nia. She’s haunting my dreams. I hope she’s okay. Yes, I’ve tried to contact her but I have heard nothing back. I worry, too, about my friend Beth. I miss, as well, those friends and acquaintances from all of the places I’ve lived and visited over the years.
Worry is my old friend. I fret, as usual, about money. I fret about being useless. I couldn’t even hold the coffee carafe to fill it this morning. I had to use two hands. I had a spurt of activity feeding the critters (birds and kitties). I fed myself too. But then I was tired, tired. I just want a nap.
Or I want to be elsewhere. Or maybe someone else. My 25 year old self, maybe. Or in a different universe where I stayed in NC. Or finished my degree and did good things for humanity. Or never left Tucson. Or ran off to join a commune.
I hate, hate, hate having to ask others for help all the time. I remember when I was the one able to lend a hand. Buy a meal or run an errand.
I am sad. I am useless.
Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.
Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.