There seems to be a persistent myth that depressed people are doom & gloom all the time. But we aren’t. For me it starts with a baseline emotional state that is low or less happy/up than others. If that makes any sense. On top of that, I have a negative sense of worth exacerbated by a soundtrack of sorts that runs through my head telling me what an awful person I am. I actually call them brain weasels running around in there. One of my partners calls his monkeys.
Anyway, when I cannot counter the negativity, I fall into a more lower emotional state. That is when I have to use my tools: sunlight, exercise, good friends, blogging to bring perspective.
The past few days, I’ve had a larger load than usual of the negativity from grief, monetary worries, job worries and the like. I make it worse because I fret about things that are beyond my control. I try to counter that tendency by focusing on the positive in my life. Honestly, I have many amazing wonderful things in my life. I am unable to fully enjoy those because of my wacky brain chemistry on top of my self esteem issues.
I am capable of feeling happy and even optimistic. My key focus word is hope. I try to hold on to it even when I am experiencing the worst of my brain malfunction. As I sort through the lies (and let me tell you, Depression LIES) and seek perspective, I look for the hope that I know is there. Writing out my feelings really helps. Reaching out to friends and being reassured helps immensely. The reaching out is so difficult when that soundtrack of self doubt is playing so loudly in the back of my mind. But I have such caring, loving friends who I’ve come to understand really do not feel bothered by offering me a kind word or hug when I need one or ask for one.
Having such quality friends must mean that I’m not nearly as unworthy or awful a person and the brain weasels would have me believe!
So I am pulling out of the grim dark of the past few days. I really wish I could commission a picture of me wrestling my brain weasels!
How do you picture your inner conflict?