Through the kindness and generosity of friends and loved ones, I was able to make the trip to NC to see my brother wed to his lovely, wonderful bride. I was able to meet my delightful, energetic niblings. I was able to see old friends and build new memories. I was able to eat NC bbq (pulled pork!), real biscuits and gravy, Bojangles sausage biscuits, sweet tea and other delights of my childhood! I also visited my parents graves.
It was a good trip. Mostly had an excellent time. I felt the tug of home and wanted to stay. I talked long and deep with my bestest friend from childhood. I received so much love and many amazing hugs. I was twitterpated which alarmed me but it’s kinda fun to have that silly, goofy feeling. My accent came out of hiding. I heard my name more in those few days than in my entire lifetime previously (seriously, 3 yo and 5 yo are very keen on repeating words and phrases).
I navel gazed and had many thinky thoughts. It was an entirely good and useful trip.
I know now with a clear certainty that I need to move back to AZ. I am trying to form a plan to make this happen. I thought about moving back to NC but the current political climate makes me hesitant (as well as the physical climate…oy! so humid! And the biting insects!). That is still on the table if the AZ thing doesn’t work out. Either place, I have a real support network with deep connections.
I’m trying to calculate how much I’d need in case I have to move alone. I may ask for assistance once again. I apologize if it seems I’m always running around with outstretched hand. I do what I can with my own resources. And a move has specific goals. If alone, I’ll need enough to get a small apartment plus enough to sustain me until I find a job. I do not anticipate it taking long to secure employment in Tucson, Phoenix or in the Triangle of NC. I have contacts and can work my network to find something that will pay decently (the amount differs depending on where exactly I land).
So, with proper planning, there will be no freaking out over financial issues. Okay, maybe a little. But only a very little.
This is something I need to do for myself. For my mental health, my physical health. My best friend noted that I’d spent the past two decades sublimating my needs and myself in favor of other people and she feels it’s about damn time I find myself again.
She’s smart. I am taking her advice.