I’m spiralling and can feel it. Not sleeping well. Having super vivid dreams in full technicolor. I feel desperate. I feel useless. I feel like a burden. I want to stop. To stop being. To stop existing.
Oy. As I was writing this, there was a knock on the door. I went to answer it and there were packages….gifts for me! A jewelry making kit, an exercise mat and a gift card to buy beads! ♥♥♥
I am loved. My friends are the best. I do not know how I managed to attract and keep these fantastic people. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I suck at socializing. But they stick with me and love me just the same.
I now have something to look forward to. I will post pictures of what I make when the bead supplies arrive. Yay!
So that’s a very bright spot in a seriously gloomy……well, month.
I have been trying to get the words out. I am having so many complex emotions right now. I feel like life keeps heaping crap on my shoulders. I VB did my taxes and somehow owe California $38! The “guaranteed” job just went away. The company is no longer hiring for the position I left. I owe so much money. Jay’s paycheck is smaller because the premium for my insurance paid by his company is taxable income. We should *not* be struggling on his salary.
I suck. I should just suck it up buttercup, find a job and muddle through.
But I know how much effort I put in to get my health back on track. And I know that juggling a full-time job with everything else doesn’t work for me. My health would suffer.
It’s February! What the hell happened to 2016? ~sigh~
I am feeling completely overwhelmed and stuck what with the crazy political shenanigans and the crazy of my own little world. I need to limit my time on social media. I’ve been reading all those blogs about how to cope. Trying to practice the parts that make sense for me.
With my improved blood work, it seems that I should also *feel* better. But I don’t. Still tired and not sleeping well (or enough). Trying to up my exercise game. My knee isn’t cooperating. It’s getting better though. So I’ll take that as a measure of progress.
Need to up my search for a therapist as well. Stymied by my inability to even think about talking on the phone without freaking out.
In good news, Pete, the most adorable cat in the universe, continues to delight. Playtime is fun and he curls up and purrs against me at nap time. ~bright spot~ I was gifted with an Ash Williams figure! Groovy!
I’m trying to hang and make necessary changes. You hang in there too, okay? We gotta look after each other.