Worrying

can't sleep1

 

Went with my partner to his therapy appointment this afternoon.  It was uncomfortable and rambly.  She wants me to come back for the next one as well.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour.  It was too hot. Then too cold.  Then too hot.  Then the CPAP was too noisy.  Then the cat was too heavy.  Then the blankets were too heavy.  Then my partner was too close.  Then I started thinking about all the things.  Mostly how much money I don’t have.  Then I got up to play WoW and distract myself.  But then I decided to see how much I’d need to get current on all my bills ($750).  Now I’m more down.  No part-time and/or work from home job seems to be falling from the sky.  None of the resumes that I’ve sent out have gotten a response.  I read through the instructions for applying for disability.   Started an application.  Got discouraged and more depressed.

I want to just stop existing.  Maybe move to an alternate timeline where I never moved away from NC.  Or the one where I got my shit together after my mom got sick and nearly died when I was in college and I returned after the semester off and finished my degree, got a decent job and helped her and my family.   Or the one where I stayed healthy.  Or the one where I never moved to CA.  Or the one where I’m an entirely different person who can function.

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Author: desertdragon42

I am a science fiction fan. I read it, I watch it, I breathe it, I go to conventions to hang out with others like me. I met my fannish family at my first Worldcon in 1995 in Glasgow. I've been smitten ever since. Just your typical bi pagan poly sf/f fan gamer geek! I have an amazing group of friends and chosen family flung all across the US and the world.