Sleep has been elusive but when I do sleep, I dream. Boy howdy do I dream. In vivid Technicolor with THX digital sound. In three-part harmony.
I’m assuming these dreams are created out of my anxieties, worries, concerns and other deeply, deeply buried issues from my psyche. Some of them are quite….disturbing.
I regularly dream about dead people. My dead relatives visit me often. I suppose I could go all woo and say that they are bringing me messages from the cosmos or that there is some deep philosophical and/or spiritual shit going on with those dreams. I also regularly dream about being part of a resistance/rebellion/super secret agent. Usually hiding from THEM(tm), fighting THEM(tm), saving refugees or an asset from THEM(tm). Plus I dream about bathrooms. Not sure why. Luxurious and large tubs and showers. Enough room to have a party in the bathroom with several people plus a sideboard for refreshments. And a full bar, of course. The type of bathroom Heinlein frequently included in his books.
Recent dreams include vacationing somewhere (the hotel room had a large hot tub in the center) and my partner having a heart attack while we are out touristing. He got taken to a hospital and I am assured he will be fine. But I am left alone and uncertain. Ugh. I woke up feeling really panicked and upset.
I’ve had several dreams of late that leave me feeling uneasy, upset and generally exhausted emotionally. My dreams take me to places that I do not wish to go and explore all the dark places of my mind.
I had serious, no tricking, night terrors when I was a child. I frequently would lie awake listening to music hoping to not sleep. I learned lucid dreaming and how to reshape my dreams from the incredibly terrifying things they were to something rather less icky.
I have a *LOT* of fears around protecting my family/loved ones and my ability/inability in that regard. It may come from losing my parents and brother when I was in my 20s. So many of my dreams were/are about threats to those people and my attempts to save them. The worst ones are where I am kept somehow from taking action. Those really put me in a poor headspace for the day(week..month)
So my head is full of darkness and it is seeping into my dreams.