Restless

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I feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting.   The requested evals are done.  So I am waiting for some strangers in an office not too far from here to decide if I am broken enough to receive disability.

I am seeing pictures from my friends at Pennsic and my friends travelling to Worldcon and I am wistful.  I want to travel.  I want to dress up in funny clothes and have magical encounters.

I miss my Nia.  She’s haunting my dreams.  I hope she’s okay.  Yes, I’ve tried to contact her but I have heard nothing back.  I worry, too, about my friend Beth.  I miss, as well, those friends and acquaintances from all of the places I’ve lived and visited over the years.

Worry is my old friend. I fret, as usual, about money.  I fret about being useless.  I couldn’t even hold the coffee carafe to fill it this morning.  I had to use two hands.  I had a spurt of activity feeding the critters (birds and kitties).  I fed myself too.  But then I was tired, tired.  I just want a nap.

Or I want to be elsewhere.  Or maybe someone else.  My 25 year old self, maybe.  Or in a different universe where I stayed in NC.  Or finished my degree and did good things for humanity.  Or never left Tucson.  Or ran off to join a commune.

I hate, hate, hate having to ask others for help all the time.  I remember when I was the one able to lend a hand.  Buy a meal or run an errand.

I am sad.  I am useless.

Gratitude

Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.

Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.