Restless

dragonsurfacing-363152230_std

I feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting.   The requested evals are done.  So I am waiting for some strangers in an office not too far from here to decide if I am broken enough to receive disability.

I am seeing pictures from my friends at Pennsic and my friends travelling to Worldcon and I am wistful.  I want to travel.  I want to dress up in funny clothes and have magical encounters.

I miss my Nia.  She’s haunting my dreams.  I hope she’s okay.  Yes, I’ve tried to contact her but I have heard nothing back.  I worry, too, about my friend Beth.  I miss, as well, those friends and acquaintances from all of the places I’ve lived and visited over the years.

Worry is my old friend. I fret, as usual, about money.  I fret about being useless.  I couldn’t even hold the coffee carafe to fill it this morning.  I had to use two hands.  I had a spurt of activity feeding the critters (birds and kitties).  I fed myself too.  But then I was tired, tired.  I just want a nap.

Or I want to be elsewhere.  Or maybe someone else.  My 25 year old self, maybe.  Or in a different universe where I stayed in NC.  Or finished my degree and did good things for humanity.  Or never left Tucson.  Or ran off to join a commune.

I hate, hate, hate having to ask others for help all the time.  I remember when I was the one able to lend a hand.  Buy a meal or run an errand.

I am sad.  I am useless.

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Author: desertdragon42

I am a science fiction fan. I read it, I watch it, I breathe it, I go to conventions to hang out with others like me. I met my fannish family at my first Worldcon in 1995 in Glasgow. I've been smitten ever since. Just your typical bi pagan poly sf/f fan gamer geek! I have an amazing group of friends and chosen family flung all across the US and the world.