Podiatrist down. Mostly good news. Yearly checkups for now. Need orthotics though. Gotta keep my feet all healthy and stuff.
Next is dentist. I’m scared, honestly. My gums are in very poor shape. It’s likely going to take a lot of work to get a healthy mouth.
The earliest appointment with the rheumatologist I could get is late October but it is scheduled.
I have to get Finn fixed and microchipped very soon.
Mentally/emotionally, I’m up and down but not as down. Thanks, effexor! Also trying to be social. I *think* I made some real connections Saturday night. Hope this is the start of really developing a friend circle and start putting down roots which is vital to my mental health.
My disability claim was denied as many, many, many, many people warned me would happen. Now I have to decide if I have the spoons to get a lawyer and appeal. It feels overwhelming.
I will note that I have made phone calls and gotten necessary medical appointments. So that feels like a huge accomplishment to me. I will also note that I have several other phone calls to make which I’ve not steeled myself to make as of yet. I still need to see a nephrologist and a therapist and get my eyes checked. And now I need to get an appointment to get my feet all measured for orthotics so they stay as healthy as possible.
I feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting. The requested evals are done. So I am waiting for some strangers in an office not too far from here to decide if I am broken enough to receive disability.
I am seeing pictures from my friends at Pennsic and my friends travelling to Worldcon and I am wistful. I want to travel. I want to dress up in funny clothes and have magical encounters.
I miss my Nia. She’s haunting my dreams. I hope she’s okay. Yes, I’ve tried to contact her but I have heard nothing back. I worry, too, about my friend Beth. I miss, as well, those friends and acquaintances from all of the places I’ve lived and visited over the years.
Worry is my old friend. I fret, as usual, about money. I fret about being useless. I couldn’t even hold the coffee carafe to fill it this morning. I had to use two hands. I had a spurt of activity feeding the critters (birds and kitties). I fed myself too. But then I was tired, tired. I just want a nap.
Or I want to be elsewhere. Or maybe someone else. My 25 year old self, maybe. Or in a different universe where I stayed in NC. Or finished my degree and did good things for humanity. Or never left Tucson. Or ran off to join a commune.
I hate, hate, hate having to ask others for help all the time. I remember when I was the one able to lend a hand. Buy a meal or run an errand.
I am depressed. I haven’t blogged about it or really written very explicitly about it in quite some time. It’s because I’m in a truly dark place and depression lies. It lies and tells me that no one cares, no one wants to hear about my feelings/struggles. It tells me that people are tired of my constant struggles with depression and finances and my whining about my life when obviously I have many good things.
I am worried and stressed and my depression lies and tells me that I’m being stupid/silly. Any problem I have is my own fault and I should just *fix* it already. I’m not sleeping or eating well (this is very bad due to my eating disorder past and I know it but my depression tells me that it doesn’t matter).
My depression tells me that everyone around me would be better off if I disappeared from the world entirely. That ceasing to exist would be a vast improvement to my current state of uselessness.
I’m wrestling with it, the darkness, my old friend, my depression brain. I’m trying a new antidepressant but it hasn’t had a chance to kick in yet. I’m applying music therapy and playing silly games and trying, trying, trying to shut out the noise, the lies. I’m mostly managing to get out of bed everyday so there’s that.
Haven’t updated in a long while. So, got out and skimmed the pool. Trying to do this every day but not always succeeding. So that was exercise plus time in the sun (need that vit D). It’s 9000 degrees here and the air quality sucks so I’m actually avoiding spending a lot of time outside at the moment. When monsoon season kicks in, I’ll probably go spend time on the patio post deluge when the air is clear and stuff. Hope it happens soon but the forecast for the short term is just very sunny and very hot.
I’ve also taken to dancing around the living room for exercise. The birds really don’t like my taste in music though.
Been having pretty bad pain levels in my right hand, right hip and lower back. Not sure why but hopefully, more movement will ease things. Or I resort to drugs.
I think I posted somewhere about taking classes to try to keep my brane engaged. I started with a full slate but quickly realized that I was being unrealistic and setting myself up for failure. So, I now only have Art History which I am enjoying quite a lot.
Plus I’ve watched the Black Panther Teaser Trailer many, many, many times. I’ve also watched a slew of blerd reactions videos. I. Can. NOT. Wait! So excited for this. I really want to make a Dora Milaje costume.
Actually, I’ve gotten the urge to Make. I created a crafty things wishlist on Amazon here.
Well, that’s it. Still not sleeping well. Still anxiously stressed about money. Still overwhelmed by the news of the day. Still overwhelmed by all that needs doing around the house.
But I have an adorable kitten and a wonderful, cuddly cat who purr and frolic.
Just ran across this old post: Stress factor 100000000 and Mother’s Day just happened. I read all the memes and tributes and whatnot. I felt wistful that I couldn’t call my own mom. Though I am happy for those with good relationships with their moms. The partner that I live with called his mom and she was effusive about the gift I sent her. My other partner doesn’t have a relationship with his mom so he likely spent the day making chainmail, playing Kerbel and the like.
My mental health month fundraiser hasn’t attracted much attention so that makes me sad. It’s here if you want to take a look. https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth I added more color and style choices as well as a donate button for those who wish to support the campaign without getting a t-shirt.
Had a burst of energy and cleaned the parrots cages. Also left the house and dropped by the pharmacy and visited Penzeys for more ginger (for my nausea) and a yummy spice mix that we ran out of. V. tired now though. Will probably curl up and stay inside for a day or two. Feeling very drained.
Mental Health America has a list of things to boost your mental health http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/31-tips-boost-your-mental-health Some of them are geared towards those who are higher functioning that I am (people with money, energy and good health). However, #27 is something I can do and something I enjoy. I have blank cards that have somehow accumulated over time and I sent out some last week. It made me smile. I will try to send out another one this week if I can find current addresses of my friends. I used to keep an updated address book (on paper!).
All in all, it’s only Wednesday and it’s been a very emotional week especially with all the political turmoil. Plus that very emotional piece in the Atlantic. I also just read this Captain Awkward bit and so close to my mother’s day wistfulness, it wrecked me.
Since it is Mental Health Month, I decided to do a little Booster campaign to give y’all something tangible in return for your support. The campaign is here: https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth I hope you like the design. I think it is pretty spiffy. As stated in the information at Booster, I will donate part of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales to NAMI. The campaign is open throughout the month with the t-shirts delivered a couple of weeks after it closes.
So, that said. Let me delve a bit into why I’m doing this. I mentioned before that I’m coming out of a down cycle. Doing something useful will help me keep from falling back too far. I’m actually pretty excited to see this succeed. There’s a minimum of 8 sales before the shirts will go to print. However, if 20 are sold, Booster will kick in another $20, if 100 are sold it’s $50 and so on. I doubt I have enough reach for 100 but I’d be thrilled with 20! I’ll donate the entirety of the extra.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I’ve been feeling incredibly useless and like a waste of air. This campaign is a good start to quelling those feelings. I’m going to look for other things I can do that makes me feel like a contributing member of society.
Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes. If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state! If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt. My life would be vastly different.
As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just” swirled through my head. And I became angry.
Seriously, I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips. But *nothing* is simple for me anymore. There’s no “just” doing anything. I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning. Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean). Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise). I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations. This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.
Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning. Then I will try to get some of the needful done. Or maybe a nap.
Oh hey, that’s something I can just! Nap. I can just nap.