Insecurity

Just ran across this old post:  Stress factor 100000000   and Mother’s Day just happened.  I read all the memes and tributes and whatnot.  I felt wistful that I couldn’t call my own mom.   Though I am happy for those with good relationships with their moms.  The partner that I live with called his mom and she was effusive about the gift I sent her.  My other partner doesn’t have a relationship with his mom so he likely spent the day making chainmail, playing Kerbel and the like.

My mental health month fundraiser hasn’t attracted much attention so that makes me sad.  It’s here if you want to take a look.  https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth   I added more color and style choices as well as a donate button for those who wish to support the campaign without getting a t-shirt.

Had a burst of energy and cleaned the parrots cages.  Also left the house and dropped by the pharmacy and visited Penzeys for more ginger (for my nausea) and a yummy spice mix that we ran out of.  V. tired now though.  Will probably curl up and stay inside for a day or two.  Feeling very drained.

Mental Health America has a list of things to boost your mental health http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/31-tips-boost-your-mental-health   Some of them are geared towards those who are higher functioning that I am (people with money, energy and good health).  However, #27 is something I can do and something I enjoy.  I have blank cards that have somehow accumulated over time and I sent out some last week.  It made me smile.  I will try to send out another one this week if I can find current addresses of my friends.  I used to keep an updated address book (on paper!).

All in all, it’s only Wednesday and it’s been a very emotional week especially with all the political turmoil.  Plus that very emotional piece in the Atlantic.   I also just read this Captain Awkward bit and so close to my mother’s day wistfulness, it wrecked me.

I have bills coming due or past due.  I was thankfully able to pay a few through the generosity of others.  Trying to focus more energy into making rather than into fretting.  My disability claim is still pending.  Not sure how much longer I’ll be in limbo in that regards.

 

Tips

 

 

Usefulness

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Since it is Mental Health Month, I decided to do a little Booster campaign to give y’all something tangible in return for your support.  The campaign is here:  https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth I hope you like the design. I think it is pretty spiffy.  As stated in the information at Booster, I will donate part of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales to NAMI.  The campaign is open throughout the month with the t-shirts delivered a couple of weeks after it closes.

So, that said. Let me delve a bit into why I’m doing this.  I mentioned before that I’m coming out of a down cycle.  Doing something useful will help me keep from falling back too far.  I’m actually pretty excited to see this succeed.  There’s a minimum of 8 sales before the shirts will go to print.   However, if 20 are sold, Booster will kick in another $20, if 100 are sold it’s $50 and so on.  I doubt I have enough reach for 100 but I’d be thrilled with 20!  I’ll donate the entirety of the extra.

Anyway, thanks for listening.  I’ve been feeling incredibly useless and like a waste of air.  This campaign is a good start to quelling those feelings.  I’m going to look for other things I can do that makes me feel like a contributing member of society.

Why don’t you just…

Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes.  If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state!  If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt.  My life would be vastly different.

As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just”  swirled through my head.  And I became angry.

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Me after hearing “why don’t you just” one time too many

Seriously,  I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips.  But *nothing* is simple for me anymore.  There’s no “just” doing anything.  I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning.  Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean).   Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise).  I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations.  This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.

Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning.  Then I will try to get some of the needful done.  Or maybe a nap.

Oh hey, that’s something I can just!  Nap.  I can just nap.

Hold onto Hope

I’ve written about Project Semicolon a few times.

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The founder,  Amy Bleuel, died on March 23.  Yes, it was by suicide.  However,  do not lose hope.  The struggle goes on.  For you and me and everyone.   Please reach out and do not give in!

“If anyone is struggling right now, please take care of yourself. Please talk to someone about it. Please make use of the resources we do have. You can text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can call The Trevor Project at 866-488-7386. Or, consider donating your social media data for suicide prevention research at OurDataHelps.”

Hold onto hope!

ETA:  I just found this amazing piece on Medium written by the founder of  Other Lives a peer support group for trauma survivors.  Please go read it.

FML

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I’m so tired.  And stressed.  And….argh!  It was in the 90s today.  The AC in this house has stopped working.  Contacted the landlord.  Waiting to hear something.   Several of my meds and my conditions make me more sensitive to heat.  Yeah, I know that I wanted to be back in AZ.  Overall, the dry, warm climate is pretty good for me.  But as with anywhere, there are drawbacks.  Several of my friends were snowed in last week, frex.

This would be easier if I were not also on my period.  My cycles are getting shorter and my periods heavier.  I’m fearful that I’ll be back to anemia land like I was three years ago when I ended up in the hospital getting blood transfusions.

Plus expending the energy to deal with service people (very nice, professional folks but still takes energy).

Also, strange rash.  And my hands hurt.  Plus, my partner is going out of the country for a week!

FML.

 

 

 

 

Dreamtime

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Sleep has been elusive but when I do sleep, I dream.  Boy howdy do I dream.  In vivid Technicolor with THX digital sound.  In three-part harmony.

I’m assuming these dreams are created out of my anxieties, worries, concerns and other deeply, deeply buried issues from my psyche.  Some of them are quite….disturbing.

I regularly dream about dead people.  My dead relatives visit me often.  I suppose I could go all woo and say that they are bringing me messages from the cosmos or that there is some deep philosophical and/or spiritual shit going on with those dreams.   I also regularly dream about being part of a resistance/rebellion/super secret agent.  Usually hiding from THEM(tm), fighting THEM(tm), saving refugees or an asset from THEM(tm).    Plus I dream about bathrooms.  Not sure why.   Luxurious and large tubs and showers.  Enough room to have a party in the bathroom with several people plus a sideboard for refreshments.  And a full bar, of course.  The type of bathroom Heinlein frequently included in his books.

Recent dreams include vacationing somewhere (the hotel room had a large hot tub in the center) and my partner having a heart attack while we are out touristing.  He got taken to a hospital and I am assured he will be fine.  But I am left alone and uncertain.     Ugh.  I woke up feeling really panicked and upset.

I’ve had several dreams of late that leave me feeling uneasy, upset and generally exhausted emotionally.  My dreams take me to places that I do not wish to go and explore all the dark places of my mind.

I had serious, no tricking,  night terrors when I was a child.  I frequently would lie awake listening to music hoping to not sleep.  I learned lucid dreaming and how to reshape my dreams from the incredibly terrifying things they were to something rather less icky.

I have a *LOT* of fears around protecting my family/loved ones and my ability/inability in that regard.  It may come from losing my parents and brother when I was in my 20s. So many of my dreams were/are about threats to those people and my attempts to save them. The worst ones are where I am kept somehow from taking action.  Those really put me in a poor headspace for the day(week..month)

So my head is full of darkness and it is seeping into my dreams.

 

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