I’m so tired. And stressed. And….argh! It was in the 90s today. The AC in this house has stopped working. Contacted the landlord. Waiting to hear something. Several of my meds and my conditions make me more sensitive to heat. Yeah, I know that I wanted to be back in AZ. Overall, the dry, warm climate is pretty good for me. But as with anywhere, there are drawbacks. Several of my friends were snowed in last week, frex.
This would be easier if I were not also on my period. My cycles are getting shorter and my periods heavier. I’m fearful that I’ll be back to anemia land like I was three years ago when I ended up in the hospital getting blood transfusions.
Plus expending the energy to deal with service people (very nice, professional folks but still takes energy).
Also, strange rash. And my hands hurt. Plus, my partner is going out of the country for a week!
Sleep has been elusive but when I do sleep, I dream. Boy howdy do I dream. In vivid Technicolor with THX digital sound. In three-part harmony.
I’m assuming these dreams are created out of my anxieties, worries, concerns and other deeply, deeply buried issues from my psyche. Some of them are quite….disturbing.
I regularly dream about dead people. My dead relatives visit me often. I suppose I could go all woo and say that they are bringing me messages from the cosmos or that there is some deep philosophical and/or spiritual shit going on with those dreams. I also regularly dream about being part of a resistance/rebellion/super secret agent. Usually hiding from THEM(tm), fighting THEM(tm), saving refugees or an asset from THEM(tm). Plus I dream about bathrooms. Not sure why. Luxurious and large tubs and showers. Enough room to have a party in the bathroom with several people plus a sideboard for refreshments. And a full bar, of course. The type of bathroom Heinlein frequently included in his books.
Recent dreams include vacationing somewhere (the hotel room had a large hot tub in the center) and my partner having a heart attack while we are out touristing. He got taken to a hospital and I am assured he will be fine. But I am left alone and uncertain. Ugh. I woke up feeling really panicked and upset.
I’ve had several dreams of late that leave me feeling uneasy, upset and generally exhausted emotionally. My dreams take me to places that I do not wish to go and explore all the dark places of my mind.
I had serious, no tricking, night terrors when I was a child. I frequently would lie awake listening to music hoping to not sleep. I learned lucid dreaming and how to reshape my dreams from the incredibly terrifying things they were to something rather less icky.
I have a *LOT* of fears around protecting my family/loved ones and my ability/inability in that regard. It may come from losing my parents and brother when I was in my 20s. So many of my dreams were/are about threats to those people and my attempts to save them. The worst ones are where I am kept somehow from taking action. Those really put me in a poor headspace for the day(week..month)
So my head is full of darkness and it is seeping into my dreams.
Went with my partner to his therapy appointment this afternoon. It was uncomfortable and rambly. She wants me to come back for the next one as well.
Went to bed at a reasonable hour. It was too hot. Then too cold. Then too hot. Then the CPAP was too noisy. Then the cat was too heavy. Then the blankets were too heavy. Then my partner was too close. Then I started thinking about all the things. Mostly how much money I don’t have. Then I got up to play WoW and distract myself. But then I decided to see how much I’d need to get current on all my bills ($750). Now I’m more down. No part-time and/or work from home job seems to be falling from the sky. None of the resumes that I’ve sent out have gotten a response. I read through the instructions for applying for disability. Started an application. Got discouraged and more depressed.
I want to just stop existing. Maybe move to an alternate timeline where I never moved away from NC. Or the one where I got my shit together after my mom got sick and nearly died when I was in college and I returned after the semester off and finished my degree, got a decent job and helped her and my family. Or the one where I stayed healthy. Or the one where I never moved to CA. Or the one where I’m an entirely different person who can function.
So far, it’s been a bad week. Sleeping very poorly after a weekend of sleeping poorly but lots of hours in bed. I’ve felt paralyzed by anxiety and fear. I wanted to have good news that I managed a successful phone call. Alas, not to be. The person I needed to speak with will not be in until tomorrow. 😦 Not sure if I’ll be able to gather myself to do the phone thing tomorrow.
Trying to reach out to creditors about my debt and make arrangements. Complicated because I have no steady income. They want to set up a payment plan even if the payments are tiny. I cannot do regular payments because I do not have any income. It sucks.
Not found any jobs to throw my resume at this week so far. Pinged a recruiter with no response.
In good news, I have some findings thanks to the generosity of a dear friend. But my hands have been hurting and very stiff so no craft making has happened yet. I’ll probably try something small even so.
OTOT, feeling like a failure as a human being. A friend recommended applying for disability but I fear being judged too well for it and therefore I’ve just been lazy and lying this whole time.
I’m spiralling and can feel it. Not sleeping well. Having super vivid dreams in full technicolor. I feel desperate. I feel useless. I feel like a burden. I want to stop. To stop being. To stop existing.
Oy. As I was writing this, there was a knock on the door. I went to answer it and there were packages….gifts for me! A jewelry making kit, an exercise mat and a gift card to buy beads! ♥♥♥
I am loved. My friends are the best. I do not know how I managed to attract and keep these fantastic people. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I suck at socializing. But they stick with me and love me just the same.
I now have something to look forward to. I will post pictures of what I make when the bead supplies arrive. Yay!
So that’s a very bright spot in a seriously gloomy……well, month.