Personal things

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Haven’t updated in a long while. So, got out and skimmed the pool. Trying to do this every day but not always succeeding. So that was exercise plus time in the sun (need that vit D). It’s 9000 degrees here and the air quality sucks so I’m actually avoiding spending a lot of time outside at the moment. When monsoon season kicks in, I’ll probably go spend time on the patio post deluge when the air is clear and stuff. Hope it happens soon but the forecast for the short term is just very sunny and very hot.

I’ve also taken to dancing around the living room for exercise. The birds really don’t like my taste in music though.

Been having pretty bad pain levels in my right hand, right hip and lower back. Not sure why but hopefully, more movement will ease things. Or I resort to drugs.

I think I posted somewhere about taking classes to try to keep my brane engaged. I started with a full slate but quickly realized that I was being unrealistic and setting myself up for failure. So, I now only have Art History which I am enjoying quite a lot.

I managed to read yesterday!  I devoured an entire book in a few hours.  It was great.  My review is here: Flowers of Luna by Jennifer Linsky

Plus I’ve watched the Black Panther Teaser Trailer many, many, many times.  I’ve also watched a slew of blerd reactions videos.  I. Can. NOT. Wait!  So excited for this.  I really want to make a Dora Milaje costume.

Actually, I’ve gotten the urge to Make.  I created a crafty things wishlist on Amazon here.

Well, that’s it.  Still not sleeping well.  Still anxiously stressed about money.  Still overwhelmed by the news of the day.  Still overwhelmed by all that needs doing around the house.

But I have an adorable kitten and a wonderful, cuddly cat who purr and frolic.

Finn and Pete

 

 

https://www.youcaring.com/HelpCherylThrive

Insecurity

Just ran across this old post:  Stress factor 100000000   and Mother’s Day just happened.  I read all the memes and tributes and whatnot.  I felt wistful that I couldn’t call my own mom.   Though I am happy for those with good relationships with their moms.  The partner that I live with called his mom and she was effusive about the gift I sent her.  My other partner doesn’t have a relationship with his mom so he likely spent the day making chainmail, playing Kerbel and the like.

My mental health month fundraiser hasn’t attracted much attention so that makes me sad.  It’s here if you want to take a look.  https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth   I added more color and style choices as well as a donate button for those who wish to support the campaign without getting a t-shirt.

Had a burst of energy and cleaned the parrots cages.  Also left the house and dropped by the pharmacy and visited Penzeys for more ginger (for my nausea) and a yummy spice mix that we ran out of.  V. tired now though.  Will probably curl up and stay inside for a day or two.  Feeling very drained.

Mental Health America has a list of things to boost your mental health http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/31-tips-boost-your-mental-health   Some of them are geared towards those who are higher functioning that I am (people with money, energy and good health).  However, #27 is something I can do and something I enjoy.  I have blank cards that have somehow accumulated over time and I sent out some last week.  It made me smile.  I will try to send out another one this week if I can find current addresses of my friends.  I used to keep an updated address book (on paper!).

All in all, it’s only Wednesday and it’s been a very emotional week especially with all the political turmoil.  Plus that very emotional piece in the Atlantic.   I also just read this Captain Awkward bit and so close to my mother’s day wistfulness, it wrecked me.

I have bills coming due or past due.  I was thankfully able to pay a few through the generosity of others.  Trying to focus more energy into making rather than into fretting.  My disability claim is still pending.  Not sure how much longer I’ll be in limbo in that regards.

 

Tips

 

 

Usefulness

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Since it is Mental Health Month, I decided to do a little Booster campaign to give y’all something tangible in return for your support.  The campaign is here:  https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth I hope you like the design. I think it is pretty spiffy.  As stated in the information at Booster, I will donate part of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales to NAMI.  The campaign is open throughout the month with the t-shirts delivered a couple of weeks after it closes.

So, that said. Let me delve a bit into why I’m doing this.  I mentioned before that I’m coming out of a down cycle.  Doing something useful will help me keep from falling back too far.  I’m actually pretty excited to see this succeed.  There’s a minimum of 8 sales before the shirts will go to print.   However, if 20 are sold, Booster will kick in another $20, if 100 are sold it’s $50 and so on.  I doubt I have enough reach for 100 but I’d be thrilled with 20!  I’ll donate the entirety of the extra.

Anyway, thanks for listening.  I’ve been feeling incredibly useless and like a waste of air.  This campaign is a good start to quelling those feelings.  I’m going to look for other things I can do that makes me feel like a contributing member of society.

Coping

cant-sleep

Sometimes you have to ask for help.   So I am asking.

My Amazon wish list

Wish list of items to directly help my physical and mental health

I’m spiralling and can feel it.  Not sleeping well.  Having super vivid dreams in full technicolor.  I feel desperate.  I feel useless.  I feel like a burden.  I want to stop.  To stop being.  To stop existing.

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Oy.  As I was writing this, there was a knock on the door.  I went to answer it and there were packages….gifts for me!  A jewelry making kit, an exercise mat and a gift card to buy beads!  ♥♥♥

I am loved.   My friends are the best.  I do not know how I managed to attract and keep these fantastic people.   I am terrible at keeping in touch.  I suck at socializing.  But they stick with me and love me just the same.

I now have something to look forward to.  I will post pictures of what I make when the bead supplies arrive.  Yay!

So that’s a very bright spot in a seriously gloomy……well, month.

beady
Actual creations by me.

Music Therapy–The Live Edition

cherylmartin Me & the Wolfcubdisturbed1Disturbed performing “Inside the Fire”

 

So, I’ve been having a very difficult time since starting the new job.  This week, I was hit with the certainty that I made a terrible, awful mistake taking it.  It makes me kind of sad because I know that if I were healthy, I would excel at the position.  As it is, though, I am suffering.  I have gotten *NO* alone time for nearly a month and that is a need for me.  I am an introvert and haven’t had any recharging/me time.  Plus, sustaining a full time schedule and taking care of the household has put in an enormous spoon deficit.

Past me, however, was clever and got tickets to a concert by one of my favorite bands, Disturbed.  As you know, music feeds my soul.  It is one of the most useful tools in my coping toolbox.   So, Thursday, I drove down and fetched my wolfcub and Friday we went to the concert!

It was amazing!  We caught the last bit of the opening act, Nothing More which wasn’t to my taste.  Chevelle played next which and they put on a good show.  I am only familiar with a couple of their songs.  I sat during their set to save up my energy.  They performed really well though!   Then Disturbed took the stage and I was on my feet until the end of the night.  It was exactly what I needed.    Those guys are really talented and excel at live performance.  The pyrotechnics were freaking fantastic!  They hit so many of my favorite songs.  The performance of “The Sound of Silence” was sublime.

It took me quite some time to come down from that high after we got home.  Then I passed the fuck out.

I don’t know how long I can keep this schedule up but I now have some amazing memories to tap into.

Huge thanks to my wolfcub and to the partner I live with for making it possible!  I love you both so much.

The benefits of being open

mental illness

 

The 4 most ridiculous moments from my recent clinical depression.

I love this piece.  I have a nice dose of anxiety to go along with my depression so the experiences outlined in it resonated with me.  However, the intro to the piece is really, really, really important.  Those of us who can be open not only help ourselves, we help destigmatize mental illness.  We try to show those with mental illness that they are not alone and others do grok.  We try to show those without mental illness just how incredibly brutal and debilitating it is.  We try to sow compassion and understanding.