Coping

cant-sleep

Sometimes you have to ask for help.   So I am asking.

My Amazon wish list

Wish list of items to directly help my physical and mental health

I’m spiralling and can feel it.  Not sleeping well.  Having super vivid dreams in full technicolor.  I feel desperate.  I feel useless.  I feel like a burden.  I want to stop.  To stop being.  To stop existing.

***********************************************************************

Oy.  As I was writing this, there was a knock on the door.  I went to answer it and there were packages….gifts for me!  A jewelry making kit, an exercise mat and a gift card to buy beads!  ♥♥♥

I am loved.   My friends are the best.  I do not know how I managed to attract and keep these fantastic people.   I am terrible at keeping in touch.  I suck at socializing.  But they stick with me and love me just the same.

I now have something to look forward to.  I will post pictures of what I make when the bead supplies arrive.  Yay!

So that’s a very bright spot in a seriously gloomy……well, month.

beady
Actual creations by me.

Music Therapy–The Live Edition

cherylmartin Me & the Wolfcubdisturbed1Disturbed performing “Inside the Fire”

 

So, I’ve been having a very difficult time since starting the new job.  This week, I was hit with the certainty that I made a terrible, awful mistake taking it.  It makes me kind of sad because I know that if I were healthy, I would excel at the position.  As it is, though, I am suffering.  I have gotten *NO* alone time for nearly a month and that is a need for me.  I am an introvert and haven’t had any recharging/me time.  Plus, sustaining a full time schedule and taking care of the household has put in an enormous spoon deficit.

Past me, however, was clever and got tickets to a concert by one of my favorite bands, Disturbed.  As you know, music feeds my soul.  It is one of the most useful tools in my coping toolbox.   So, Thursday, I drove down and fetched my wolfcub and Friday we went to the concert!

It was amazing!  We caught the last bit of the opening act, Nothing More which wasn’t to my taste.  Chevelle played next which and they put on a good show.  I am only familiar with a couple of their songs.  I sat during their set to save up my energy.  They performed really well though!   Then Disturbed took the stage and I was on my feet until the end of the night.  It was exactly what I needed.    Those guys are really talented and excel at live performance.  The pyrotechnics were freaking fantastic!  They hit so many of my favorite songs.  The performance of “The Sound of Silence” was sublime.

It took me quite some time to come down from that high after we got home.  Then I passed the fuck out.

I don’t know how long I can keep this schedule up but I now have some amazing memories to tap into.

Huge thanks to my wolfcub and to the partner I live with for making it possible!  I love you both so much.

The benefits of being open

mental illness

 

The 4 most ridiculous moments from my recent clinical depression.

I love this piece.  I have a nice dose of anxiety to go along with my depression so the experiences outlined in it resonated with me.  However, the intro to the piece is really, really, really important.  Those of us who can be open not only help ourselves, we help destigmatize mental illness.  We try to show those with mental illness that they are not alone and others do grok.  We try to show those without mental illness just how incredibly brutal and debilitating it is.  We try to sow compassion and understanding.

Coping

It is so hard sometimes.  Now and then, it seems that life is determined to grind you into the dirt, spit on you, set you on fire, toss you off a cliff and then kick you in the shins.

I’ve been having a difficult time of late.  It culminated when I found that I’d managed to really, thoroughly  fuck up.

So, my brother, the only family I have left invited me to his wedding (he’s been married for 6 years and they are finally throwing themselves a little ceremony).  This is a huge bright point that I eagerly, enthusiastically tried to grasp.

I poked around for inexpensive flights (there are none between here and the three airports that are sort of nearish to him).   I bought a pretty dress, and underpinnings and things.

Did I mention that it was short notice and the wedding very soon?

Anyway.  Back to me fucking up my finances.

I managed to catch the flu of hacking snotfullness and spent a week out of work (sleeping, taking meds, sleeping some more, hacking my lungs out, putting them back into my body).  Somewhere in there, I lost track of what the hell I was doing and managed to make myself broke-ass.

Now I am trying to get a refund on the airfare.  I’ve returned some things I bought.  I have no idea is any of the things I’ve done will get me out of the deep hell hole I managed to dig.  But I am trying.  I will keep trying.

Meanwhile.  I have not see my brother in over a decade. I have not met my 5 y.o. niece or my 3 y.o nephew.  I have not been back in my home state in…well, I don’t know for sure exactly.   I desperately want to go to this wedding and see them.

Plus, I have been not sleeping at night.  My dreams are full of dead people and strangeness.  Like Supernatural levels of strangeness.   Actually, I think Dean & Sam showed up in one or two.

Then.

On Saturday, my partner took me to the beach.  I don’t know if I can express what that means to me.  No, I really can’t.  There are simply no words.

I needed to stick my toes in the sand and the surf. And just sit and be.  There in the sun and wind, hearing the crash of the ocean, watching the tide come in.

It was glorious.

I don’t know exactly what I will do but I feel much better to handle whatever.