Insecurity

Just ran across this old post:  Stress factor 100000000   and Mother’s Day just happened.  I read all the memes and tributes and whatnot.  I felt wistful that I couldn’t call my own mom.   Though I am happy for those with good relationships with their moms.  The partner that I live with called his mom and she was effusive about the gift I sent her.  My other partner doesn’t have a relationship with his mom so he likely spent the day making chainmail, playing Kerbel and the like.

My mental health month fundraiser hasn’t attracted much attention so that makes me sad.  It’s here if you want to take a look.  https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth   I added more color and style choices as well as a donate button for those who wish to support the campaign without getting a t-shirt.

Had a burst of energy and cleaned the parrots cages.  Also left the house and dropped by the pharmacy and visited Penzeys for more ginger (for my nausea) and a yummy spice mix that we ran out of.  V. tired now though.  Will probably curl up and stay inside for a day or two.  Feeling very drained.

Mental Health America has a list of things to boost your mental health http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/31-tips-boost-your-mental-health   Some of them are geared towards those who are higher functioning that I am (people with money, energy and good health).  However, #27 is something I can do and something I enjoy.  I have blank cards that have somehow accumulated over time and I sent out some last week.  It made me smile.  I will try to send out another one this week if I can find current addresses of my friends.  I used to keep an updated address book (on paper!).

All in all, it’s only Wednesday and it’s been a very emotional week especially with all the political turmoil.  Plus that very emotional piece in the Atlantic.   I also just read this Captain Awkward bit and so close to my mother’s day wistfulness, it wrecked me.

I have bills coming due or past due.  I was thankfully able to pay a few through the generosity of others.  Trying to focus more energy into making rather than into fretting.  My disability claim is still pending.  Not sure how much longer I’ll be in limbo in that regards.

 

Tips

 

 

Usefulness

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Since it is Mental Health Month, I decided to do a little Booster campaign to give y’all something tangible in return for your support.  The campaign is here:  https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth I hope you like the design. I think it is pretty spiffy.  As stated in the information at Booster, I will donate part of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales to NAMI.  The campaign is open throughout the month with the t-shirts delivered a couple of weeks after it closes.

So, that said. Let me delve a bit into why I’m doing this.  I mentioned before that I’m coming out of a down cycle.  Doing something useful will help me keep from falling back too far.  I’m actually pretty excited to see this succeed.  There’s a minimum of 8 sales before the shirts will go to print.   However, if 20 are sold, Booster will kick in another $20, if 100 are sold it’s $50 and so on.  I doubt I have enough reach for 100 but I’d be thrilled with 20!  I’ll donate the entirety of the extra.

Anyway, thanks for listening.  I’ve been feeling incredibly useless and like a waste of air.  This campaign is a good start to quelling those feelings.  I’m going to look for other things I can do that makes me feel like a contributing member of society.

Why don’t you just…

Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes.  If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state!  If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt.  My life would be vastly different.

As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just”  swirled through my head.  And I became angry.

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Me after hearing “why don’t you just” one time too many

Seriously,  I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips.  But *nothing* is simple for me anymore.  There’s no “just” doing anything.  I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning.  Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean).   Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise).  I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations.  This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.

Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning.  Then I will try to get some of the needful done.  Or maybe a nap.

Oh hey, that’s something I can just!  Nap.  I can just nap.

FML

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I’m so tired.  And stressed.  And….argh!  It was in the 90s today.  The AC in this house has stopped working.  Contacted the landlord.  Waiting to hear something.   Several of my meds and my conditions make me more sensitive to heat.  Yeah, I know that I wanted to be back in AZ.  Overall, the dry, warm climate is pretty good for me.  But as with anywhere, there are drawbacks.  Several of my friends were snowed in last week, frex.

This would be easier if I were not also on my period.  My cycles are getting shorter and my periods heavier.  I’m fearful that I’ll be back to anemia land like I was three years ago when I ended up in the hospital getting blood transfusions.

Plus expending the energy to deal with service people (very nice, professional folks but still takes energy).

Also, strange rash.  And my hands hurt.  Plus, my partner is going out of the country for a week!

FML.

 

 

 

 

Worrying

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Went with my partner to his therapy appointment this afternoon.  It was uncomfortable and rambly.  She wants me to come back for the next one as well.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour.  It was too hot. Then too cold.  Then too hot.  Then the CPAP was too noisy.  Then the cat was too heavy.  Then the blankets were too heavy.  Then my partner was too close.  Then I started thinking about all the things.  Mostly how much money I don’t have.  Then I got up to play WoW and distract myself.  But then I decided to see how much I’d need to get current on all my bills ($750).  Now I’m more down.  No part-time and/or work from home job seems to be falling from the sky.  None of the resumes that I’ve sent out have gotten a response.  I read through the instructions for applying for disability.   Started an application.  Got discouraged and more depressed.

I want to just stop existing.  Maybe move to an alternate timeline where I never moved away from NC.  Or the one where I got my shit together after my mom got sick and nearly died when I was in college and I returned after the semester off and finished my degree, got a decent job and helped her and my family.   Or the one where I stayed healthy.  Or the one where I never moved to CA.  Or the one where I’m an entirely different person who can function.

Tip Jar

GiveForward Fund raiser

 

 

 

Fear and loathing

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So far, it’s been a bad week. Sleeping very poorly after a weekend of sleeping poorly but lots of hours in bed. I’ve felt paralyzed by anxiety and fear. I wanted to have good news that I managed a successful phone call. Alas, not to be. The person I needed to speak with will not be in until tomorrow. 😦 Not sure if I’ll be able to gather myself to do the phone thing tomorrow.

Trying to reach out to creditors about my debt and make arrangements. Complicated because I have no steady income. They want to set up a payment plan even if the payments are tiny. I cannot do regular payments because I do not have any income. It sucks.

Not found any jobs to throw my resume at this week so far. Pinged a recruiter with no response.

In good news, I have some findings thanks to the generosity of a dear friend. But my hands have been hurting and very stiff so no craft making has happened yet. I’ll probably try something small even so.

OTOT, feeling like a failure as a human being. A friend recommended applying for disability but I fear being judged too well for it and therefore I’ve just been lazy and lying this whole time.

Coping

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Sometimes you have to ask for help.   So I am asking.

My Amazon wish list

Wish list of items to directly help my physical and mental health

I’m spiralling and can feel it.  Not sleeping well.  Having super vivid dreams in full technicolor.  I feel desperate.  I feel useless.  I feel like a burden.  I want to stop.  To stop being.  To stop existing.

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Oy.  As I was writing this, there was a knock on the door.  I went to answer it and there were packages….gifts for me!  A jewelry making kit, an exercise mat and a gift card to buy beads!  ♥♥♥

I am loved.   My friends are the best.  I do not know how I managed to attract and keep these fantastic people.   I am terrible at keeping in touch.  I suck at socializing.  But they stick with me and love me just the same.

I now have something to look forward to.  I will post pictures of what I make when the bead supplies arrive.  Yay!

So that’s a very bright spot in a seriously gloomy……well, month.

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Actual creations by me.