Why don’t you just…

Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes.  If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state!  If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt.  My life would be vastly different.

As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just”  swirled through my head.  And I became angry.

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Me after hearing “why don’t you just” one time too many

Seriously,  I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips.  But *nothing* is simple for me anymore.  There’s no “just” doing anything.  I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning.  Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean).   Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise).  I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations.  This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.

Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning.  Then I will try to get some of the needful done.  Or maybe a nap.

Oh hey, that’s something I can just!  Nap.  I can just nap.

Hold onto Hope

I’ve written about Project Semicolon a few times.

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The founder,  Amy Bleuel, died on March 23.  Yes, it was by suicide.  However,  do not lose hope.  The struggle goes on.  For you and me and everyone.   Please reach out and do not give in!

“If anyone is struggling right now, please take care of yourself. Please talk to someone about it. Please make use of the resources we do have. You can text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can call The Trevor Project at 866-488-7386. Or, consider donating your social media data for suicide prevention research at OurDataHelps.”

Hold onto hope!

ETA:  I just found this amazing piece on Medium written by the founder of  Other Lives a peer support group for trauma survivors.  Please go read it.

Worrying

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Went with my partner to his therapy appointment this afternoon.  It was uncomfortable and rambly.  She wants me to come back for the next one as well.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour.  It was too hot. Then too cold.  Then too hot.  Then the CPAP was too noisy.  Then the cat was too heavy.  Then the blankets were too heavy.  Then my partner was too close.  Then I started thinking about all the things.  Mostly how much money I don’t have.  Then I got up to play WoW and distract myself.  But then I decided to see how much I’d need to get current on all my bills ($750).  Now I’m more down.  No part-time and/or work from home job seems to be falling from the sky.  None of the resumes that I’ve sent out have gotten a response.  I read through the instructions for applying for disability.   Started an application.  Got discouraged and more depressed.

I want to just stop existing.  Maybe move to an alternate timeline where I never moved away from NC.  Or the one where I got my shit together after my mom got sick and nearly died when I was in college and I returned after the semester off and finished my degree, got a decent job and helped her and my family.   Or the one where I stayed healthy.  Or the one where I never moved to CA.  Or the one where I’m an entirely different person who can function.

Tip Jar

GiveForward Fund raiser

 

 

 

Fund raising

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Fundraising

Yep.  Again.  Details at the link.  I really want to create again.  I want to get beads and make jewelry.  I want to get fabric and make clothing and costumes.  I want to give value to those who have been so generous to me.

Thanks for hanging in with me.  If you don’t feel comfortable giving to me, please consider donating to NAMIThe National Kidney FoundationAmerican Diabetes Association or other organization that helps people like me.

Thank you.

 

A New Year

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Made it through 2016.  Barely.  It was a difficult year in so many ways.  Both personally and politically (societally).  I had a few really, really good moments:

 

And many not so good moments.  My depression is…well, as up and down as it goes.  I had a good therapist before moving back to AZ and that helped so very much.  I haven’t yet found one here.  My energy is being expended on my physical health plus external stuff (relationships, finances and the like).  The election, the numerous celebrity deaths have also had an impact.

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I have to make changes or I will die.  Not kidding.  My health needs to come first.  Self-care has always been difficult for me.  I invest so much in caring for others.  I have to do it if I want to continue on in this life.

Part of self-care is writing, writing, writing.  So I will make a greater effort to blog more regularly.

 

 

Help support this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/CherylMartin

 

The benefits of being open

mental illness

 

The 4 most ridiculous moments from my recent clinical depression.

I love this piece.  I have a nice dose of anxiety to go along with my depression so the experiences outlined in it resonated with me.  However, the intro to the piece is really, really, really important.  Those of us who can be open not only help ourselves, we help destigmatize mental illness.  We try to show those with mental illness that they are not alone and others do grok.  We try to show those without mental illness just how incredibly brutal and debilitating it is.  We try to sow compassion and understanding.