Reclaiming My Childhood

For a long time, my memories of my childhood were vague and felt very, very distant.  In part because I actively shied away from fully remembering.  I’ve spoken of  being raped when I was nine years old.  However, as I approach 50, I find myself remembering happy times and a loving family.  Memories of great adventures with cousins, large family gatherings and celebrations, church family, friends at school and in the neighborhood; all crowding forth in my mind lie whispers.  It has moved me to look at the one family photo album that I managed to salvage after my mom’s death.  So many great snapshots that made me smile and laugh.    I want it back.  I want it all back: the fun, the struggle, the pain, the love.  All of it shaped who I am today.

childhood

I have reached out and reconnected with some family and friends on social media and will continue in my efforts.  I’m enjoying seeing these amazing people and learning about who they are now.  I really hope to return to NC sometime in 2018 to see them in person.

I feel like I was missing a part of me and now I am working to reclaim it. To make myself whole.   Yes, it includes some really painful and sad parts but it also includes some really amazing, happy and loving parts as well.

To my friends and family, please share stories with me.  I may not remember them all clearly but the more I hear, the more I remember and the more I feel myself.

 

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Coping

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Still waiting from a decision on my disability claim.  Feeling frustrated and discouraged.  Felt myself about to drown in the dark pool of depression.  My wolfcub suggested we make real all the talk about selling our crafts.  So I have an Etsy shop!  He makes chain mail jewelry and I, as you know, make beaded stuff.   My shop is Dragon Wolf Crafts 

I am slowly adding inventory to the shop.  Taking good pictures has been a challenge but I think I have some decent ones.

Making is wonderful and each completed piece brings me fulfillment.  I have a reminder set so I can spend some time every day working on either crafting or on the shop.  It’s good to have some structure to my days. I was getting lost.

So that’s the good.  I’m still fretting about money because bills need to be paid.  I added up how much it would take to make me current and it’s over $2000 with interest adding up every day.   Each company offers help if you have some small income but they don’t have anything if you are flat ass broke like I am.  Hopefully, the shop will allow me to pay something.

I am in a weird mental state right now.  Hopeful but not.  Really discouraged by politics and what feels like lack of social change.  Discouraged by having no money and not hearing  about my disability claim.  But I make things!  Pretty things.  And I have a shop that may generate some income.  I have friends and family who love and support me.  Plus it is Secret Santa season!  And I get to send out nifty holiday cards all over the country.   But I’ve been sleeping poorly.  And I’m tired all the time. And my hands hurt.

So, yeah. Weird mental/emotional state of late.

 

Helping Hand

Tips welcome!

 

Semicolon

So, last Thursday was the perfect storm of just too many things gone wrong.  I’ve been having very bad pain days I think partially due to winter finally arriving to the Valley of the Sun(winter being relative but it is a change in weather nevertheless).   I had finally made contact with a therapist and I was nearly giddy at the prospect of getting into therapy and on the road to better mental health. The appointment was originally set for early December but a cancellation allowed me a chance for last Thursday.  Giddy!  Glee!  Unfortunately, I failed to ask a vital question when setting up my appointment.   They didn’t take my insurance and as y’all know I am broke ass.  I didn’t have the $225 or really, any money for the initial appointment.  So I thanked the front office person and left.

I sat in my car and cried.  I started off back home and my gas light came on.  I cried some more.  It’s a miracle I didn’t have an accident.  I did make it home though.

I felt so overwhelmed with what I felt was failure.

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I took a deep breath. I put the pills away.  And then I took a nap and cuddled with my kittens.

I still feel fragile.  And I’m cranky. Moody.  All of that fun stuff.  Dreading the holidays and feeling isolated.

I have $0.51 in the bank.  I would like to treat myself to Moravian sugar cookies.  A taste from home.

But I’m still here.  My story continues.

Tip Jar

Helping Hand

State of My Head

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 Artist: TheHeadbanger93 Deviantart

 

Today I spent five hours sitting in a waiting room at the local DES office.  It was crowded and noisy.  Filled with all types of people: adults, singles, couples, parents with children.  All there because we are desperate and needy.  I saw dirty, unkempt people.  And neat, clean people.  And all those in between.  I saw people lugging all of their wordly belongings to this place in hopes of maybe getting help.

As well, I saw parents entertaining their kids.  Trying to make this long, often humiliating process a bit less trying and boring.  I saw people helping people.  Explaining the process to those new to it.  Encouraging worn down parents with fussy kids.

By the end, I felt as though I’d joined a fellowship of a sort.  I have a shiny new EBT card so I can now buy food and take some of the burden off my partner.

Sitting there, I was reminded of my childhood when we had to go check in with the government and assure them that no, we had not suddenly come into money and yes, we did still need food assistance.  Food insecurity is a terrible way to live.  Back then, we had actual color coded packets of vouchers.  It was embarrasing to go shopping and pull those out.  At least with the card,  you don’t stand out as much.

I sat in my car for a moment and felt…something..nothing.  I am dependent. Dependent on my partner. Dependent on my friends.  Dependent on the meager services provided by the government.  Dependent.

Things that make me tired

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Medical stuff.  Seriously.  Trying to get healthy is exhausting.  And expensive.  Why?  And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.

So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests.   It was like 8 or 10 vials!  So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body.   But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad.  He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.

I’m researching renal diets.  And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food.  Yay!  There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all.  I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist.   sigh

I still need to find a therapist.  I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients.  I also need to get my eyes checked.  Oh, and the dentist.

In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability.  Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision.  I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day.  But that’s not how my brain works.  Anyway.

I got to see my wolfcub!  So that was a happy.  He gave me a pretty!

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~kermitflail~

He’s making many pretties to sell.  I’ll let you know where you can get yours.

Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month  I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!  you-are-not-alone

  • If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
  • If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.

 

 

If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways:

https://www.youcaring.com/HelpCherylThrive

PayPal

 

 

 

Medical Stuff and my birfday

Friday, I went to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist).  He was very kind and reassuring.  I have more tests including and ultrasound on my kidneys.  I have Stage 3 CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease).  ~sigh~  My mom died from end stage renal failure which is Stage 5.  So I’m a little shaken.  My mind, of course, went immediately to the worst scenario possible. The doctor also wants to check for lupus and other things.  But he said many times that I shouldn’t worry at this point.  My numbers aren’t good but they are borderline.

My primary doc made a good call referring me to specialists.  I’m glad I switched!  She’s awesome.

Oh yeah, podiatrist wants me to get diabetic orthotics so I went and got my feet measured.  It’ll be around $250 for shoes and three pairs of inserts which should last for year or so.

Will need to have my current meds re-evaluated though, because a couple of them aren’t good for the kidneys.

At least I’ll have met my deductible for the year after all of this.   Why is trying to stay healthy so expensive?

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So, my birthday is fast approaching.  I’m tossing out my wishlists in case anyone wants to do the thing.

Amazon Wishlist

Crafting things Amazon Wishlist

ThinkGeek Wish List

 

 

Gratitude

Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.

Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.