For a long time, my memories of my childhood were vague and felt very, very distant. In part because I actively shied away from fully remembering. I’ve spoken of being raped when I was nine years old. However, as I approach 50, I find myself remembering happy times and a loving family. Memories of great adventures with cousins, large family gatherings and celebrations, church family, friends at school and in the neighborhood; all crowding forth in my mind lie whispers. It has moved me to look at the one family photo album that I managed to salvage after my mom’s death. So many great snapshots that made me smile and laugh. I want it back. I want it all back: the fun, the struggle, the pain, the love. All of it shaped who I am today.
I have reached out and reconnected with some family and friends on social media and will continue in my efforts. I’m enjoying seeing these amazing people and learning about who they are now. I really hope to return to NC sometime in 2018 to see them in person.
I feel like I was missing a part of me and now I am working to reclaim it. To make myself whole. Yes, it includes some really painful and sad parts but it also includes some really amazing, happy and loving parts as well.
To my friends and family, please share stories with me. I may not remember them all clearly but the more I hear, the more I remember and the more I feel myself.
Medical stuff. Seriously. Trying to get healthy is exhausting. And expensive. Why? And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.
So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests. It was like 8 or 10 vials! So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body. But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad. He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.
I’m researching renal diets. And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food. Yay! There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all. I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist. sigh
I still need to find a therapist. I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients. I also need to get my eyes checked. Oh, and the dentist.
In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability. Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision. I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day. But that’s not how my brain works. Anyway.
I got to see my wolfcub! So that was a happy. He gave me a pretty!
He’s making many pretties to sell. I’ll let you know where you can get yours.
Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!
- If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
- If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.
If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways:
Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.
Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.
Me & the WolfcubDisturbed performing “Inside the Fire”
So, I’ve been having a very difficult time since starting the new job. This week, I was hit with the certainty that I made a terrible, awful mistake taking it. It makes me kind of sad because I know that if I were healthy, I would excel at the position. As it is, though, I am suffering. I have gotten *NO* alone time for nearly a month and that is a need for me. I am an introvert and haven’t had any recharging/me time. Plus, sustaining a full time schedule and taking care of the household has put in an enormous spoon deficit.
Past me, however, was clever and got tickets to a concert by one of my favorite bands, Disturbed. As you know, music feeds my soul. It is one of the most useful tools in my coping toolbox. So, Thursday, I drove down and fetched my wolfcub and Friday we went to the concert!
It was amazing! We caught the last bit of the opening act, Nothing More which wasn’t to my taste. Chevelle played next which and they put on a good show. I am only familiar with a couple of their songs. I sat during their set to save up my energy. They performed really well though! Then Disturbed took the stage and I was on my feet until the end of the night. It was exactly what I needed. Those guys are really talented and excel at live performance. The pyrotechnics were freaking fantastic! They hit so many of my favorite songs. The performance of “The Sound of Silence” was sublime.
It took me quite some time to come down from that high after we got home. Then I passed the fuck out.
I don’t know how long I can keep this schedule up but I now have some amazing memories to tap into.
Huge thanks to my wolfcub and to the partner I live with for making it possible! I love you both so much.
Despite the recent (see:When it rains, it pours ) spate of bad financial news, I set off Monday for my much longed for visit with my long distance partner. This trip was only made possible through the extreme generosity of his OSO and her husband. Yay for awesome metamours! [For more info about polyamory/multiple relationships]
Anyway, we met in the middle as it were in Las Vegas because a flight to there was way less expensive than a flight from here to him. We went out twice and spent most of the time in bed or cuddling on the couch. Just being together. We saw Zumanity and what an amazing show that was! And we got free tix to see the Zombie Burlesque show which was also just a huge amount of fun.
In between the shows (and yes, just a bit of debauchery), we talked and dreamed together about the future.
It solidified in me that the best thing for my mental and physical health is to leave the Bay area and move back to Arizona. Much of my chosen family is there. And supportive friends who grok my situation. And sunshine. Lots of sunshine.
My last therapy session I spent most of the time talking about how dissatisfied I was with my job. Plus how guilty I felt about being dissatisfied. I should be grateful I have a job at all! It pays okay and my coworkers are really amazing. My boss is really amazing. The atmosphere in the office is totally laid back, friendly and I feel appreciated. But.
I am bored. I feel underutilized. This job is just not the right fit for me. I dread going to work each day and when I am there, I count the minutes until I can leave.
Chatting with various service people about where I am from and why I was there in LV and making small talk really brought home to me just how incredibly unhappy I am being here. There are so many womderfully cool things about here but they are outweighed for my depressive, introverted, shy self by the bad (overcrowding, horrendous traffic, insane housing cost and oh, did I mention the unrelenting press of people?)
So now to figure out how to get myself and the partner I live with back to Arizona. The financial hit makes this way more tricky. ~sigh~