I am so ready to experience normalcy.  Though at this point, I am not entirely sure I know what “normal” looks like.

Today has been what I think “normal” is like.  I continue to get 6hrs or less sleep but today I ventured to Costco to get necessary goods.  It’s been rainy but the sun peeked out and that felt really nice.   I decided to toss stuff in the crockpot and the house smells really yummy.  I don’t quite feel at the brink of despair though some of the news I’m reading today has made me angry.

So, the previous was written on Monday.  Today, I just want to curl up and sleep.  Even so, I went and got envelopes, dropped off the rent check, and mailed out my partner’s tax returns.

Tired.  So very tired.  Yesterday as a bad pain day.  I think part of it is the sucky weather.  Rainy and cold (okay, I know some of you have snow and suchlike but this feels cold to me).

Trying to look at my financial situation with open eyes.  It sucks.  Lots.  Still looking at job boards, sending out my resume.  Still feeling like a useless drain on my partner.

Overwhelmed redux

I have been trying to get the words out. I am having so many complex emotions right now. I feel like life keeps heaping crap on my shoulders. I VB did my taxes and somehow owe California $38! The “guaranteed” job just went away. The company is no longer hiring for the position I left.  I owe so much money. Jay’s paycheck is smaller because the premium for my insurance paid by his company is taxable income. We should *not* be struggling on his salary.

I suck. I should just suck it up buttercup, find a job and muddle through.

But I know how much effort I put in to get my health back on track. And I know that juggling a full-time job with everything else doesn’t work for me. My health would suffer.







It’s February!  What the hell happened to 2016?  ~sigh~

I am feeling completely overwhelmed and stuck what with the crazy political shenanigans and the crazy of my own little world.  I need to limit my time on social media.  I’ve been reading all those blogs about how to cope.  Trying to practice the parts that make sense for me.

With my improved blood work, it seems that I should also *feel* better.  But I don’t.  Still tired and not sleeping well (or enough).   Trying to up my exercise game.  My knee isn’t cooperating.  It’s getting better though.  So I’ll take that as a measure of progress.

Need to up my search for a therapist as well.  Stymied by my inability to even think about talking on the phone without freaking out.

In good news, Pete, the most adorable cat in the universe, continues to delight.  Playtime is fun and he curls up and purrs against me at nap time.  ~bright spot~   I was gifted with an Ash Williams figure!   Groovy!

I’m trying to hang and make necessary changes.  You hang in there too, okay?  We gotta look after each other.



This and That

Brown skinned legs standing in the sand

I’ve been working on trying to get out of the house more.  Stymied by lack of funds plus it is winter.  Yes, I live in Arizona but we do have winter which means rain and gloomy days.  And for me, highs in the 50s feels really cold and uncomfortable.

As I’ve mentioned before, I need to set down roots.  It is vital for my mental health.  I never managed that in the Bay Area.  I am really trying to do so here.  It’s a bit easier since I lived in this area for 6 years.  Unfortunately, I’m in a different corner and have to learn my way around this part of town.

I’ve started a SF/F fan group here to mirror my group in Tucson.  I plan to drive down to visit my friends in the Tucson group when I have the energy and funds.  I am also in the process of reactivating the poly group.  Not sure where any of these endeavours will lead but it’s the sort of work I find helpful.

I haven’t yet found a therapist.  Doing so is on my agenda.  As is getting my follow-up bloodwork to see if anything has improved (or worsened ~sigh).

I’m trying to do some nesting.  I want to put things away.  There are still boxes taking up one room of the house.  I need a dresser, a couple of bookcases and storage shelves.   I need to give Craigslist a look though I have no way to transport anything large in my Camry (my wolfcub’s truck wold not make the drive up here so that’s right out).

I am still engaging in what activism I can.  Unfortunately, my Congresscritters are not inclined the way I am.  But I make my voice heard.   I am pulling back from social media a bit.  Not reading as much or posting as much because it distresses me.

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