“The only difference between molestation and suicide is that you don’t die on the outside, you only die on the inside.”
Yesterday was a difficult day. I gave up. I spent most of it in bed thinking about how awful I am and because I am awful, useless, incompetent therefore how awful my life is.
I had dreamed the night before about my best friend’s mother. I awoke feeling that I needed to share the message of the dream with her (which I did later). Then darkness crowded in and wiped away any feelings other than disappointment, dissatisfaction and dislike (of self).
It was a really bad day. After giving in to the dark thoughts, I then spent time thinking about how to move forward and reshape my life. I have plans swirling around and hope to solidify the necessary steps. Radical changes and gradual changes. Most importantly, however:
So, today took my car in for an oil change. Oh, and to get that funny noise evaluated.
$700+ later, I have a much safer car with brakes that work.
I don’t actually have that much money.
Was informed that my left front strut is leaking. So need those replaced/repaired. And an alignment. And new belts.
Will blog, create beaded jewelry or other negotiables for cash or a trip to Theory (the place where everything works!)
NAMI has put together a great list of what you can do on their website here: NAMI.org
Please allow those of us with mental illness to live #stigmafree and support organizations like NAMI in raising awareness and providing support.
Also, if you’d like a nifty t-shirt, consider my booster: A Pause; Not An End
I did a thing for myself. I talked to my boss about changing my hours. I’ll be doing fewer hours but it will save my sanity. I could feel myself heading towards the wall. Tired all the time, stressed, unable to sleep at night, difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, counting the minutes until end of shift, lack of focus at work…..just bad all around. My boss was awesome about it.
The other thing is that I really am not a Bay Area type person. It is just too damn crowded here. I cannot cope. I miss the sun too. I know there’s a drought here but it’s also often overcast and dreary. And I’m cold.
I need the sun. I need my support network. I need my wolfcub. I need to feel warm. I need to feel grounded.
I want to go back. It is time.
I also closed my GiveForward campaign. It was necessary and useful for a while.
I think I’ve moved from perimenopause into true menopause but I won’t know for sure for another 9 months.
Today’s news informed me of the death of Chyna and Prince. ~sigh~ Along with all the wonderful musicians and other celebrities we’ve lost this year all too soon, it feels like my youth is slipping away. I don’t really feel old usually. But today, I feel each and every year.
In addition, it’s been a bad pain week (yep, another one). What’s it all for anyhow?
Despite the recent (see:When it rains, it pours ) spate of bad financial news, I set off Monday for my much longed for visit with my long distance partner. This trip was only made possible through the extreme generosity of his OSO and her husband. Yay for awesome metamours! [For more info about polyamory/multiple relationships]
Anyway, we met in the middle as it were in Las Vegas because a flight to there was way less expensive than a flight from here to him. We went out twice and spent most of the time in bed or cuddling on the couch. Just being together. We saw Zumanity and what an amazing show that was! And we got free tix to see the Zombie Burlesque show which was also just a huge amount of fun.
In between the shows (and yes, just a bit of debauchery), we talked and dreamed together about the future.
It solidified in me that the best thing for my mental and physical health is to leave the Bay area and move back to Arizona. Much of my chosen family is there. And supportive friends who grok my situation. And sunshine. Lots of sunshine.
My last therapy session I spent most of the time talking about how dissatisfied I was with my job. Plus how guilty I felt about being dissatisfied. I should be grateful I have a job at all! It pays okay and my coworkers are really amazing. My boss is really amazing. The atmosphere in the office is totally laid back, friendly and I feel appreciated. But.
I am bored. I feel underutilized. This job is just not the right fit for me. I dread going to work each day and when I am there, I count the minutes until I can leave.
Chatting with various service people about where I am from and why I was there in LV and making small talk really brought home to me just how incredibly unhappy I am being here. There are so many womderfully cool things about here but they are outweighed for my depressive, introverted, shy self by the bad (overcrowding, horrendous traffic, insane housing cost and oh, did I mention the unrelenting press of people?)
So now to figure out how to get myself and the partner I live with back to Arizona. The financial hit makes this way more tricky. ~sigh~