I’m spiralling and can feel it. Not sleeping well. Having super vivid dreams in full technicolor. I feel desperate. I feel useless. I feel like a burden. I want to stop. To stop being. To stop existing.
Oy. As I was writing this, there was a knock on the door. I went to answer it and there were packages….gifts for me! A jewelry making kit, an exercise mat and a gift card to buy beads! ♥♥♥
I am loved. My friends are the best. I do not know how I managed to attract and keep these fantastic people. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I suck at socializing. But they stick with me and love me just the same.
I now have something to look forward to. I will post pictures of what I make when the bead supplies arrive. Yay!
So that’s a very bright spot in a seriously gloomy……well, month.
I have been trying to get the words out. I am having so many complex emotions right now. I feel like life keeps heaping crap on my shoulders. I VB did my taxes and somehow owe California $38! The “guaranteed” job just went away. The company is no longer hiring for the position I left. I owe so much money. Jay’s paycheck is smaller because the premium for my insurance paid by his company is taxable income. We should *not* be struggling on his salary.
I suck. I should just suck it up buttercup, find a job and muddle through.
But I know how much effort I put in to get my health back on track. And I know that juggling a full-time job with everything else doesn’t work for me. My health would suffer.
It’s February! What the hell happened to 2016? ~sigh~
I am feeling completely overwhelmed and stuck what with the crazy political shenanigans and the crazy of my own little world. I need to limit my time on social media. I’ve been reading all those blogs about how to cope. Trying to practice the parts that make sense for me.
With my improved blood work, it seems that I should also *feel* better. But I don’t. Still tired and not sleeping well (or enough). Trying to up my exercise game. My knee isn’t cooperating. It’s getting better though. So I’ll take that as a measure of progress.
Need to up my search for a therapist as well. Stymied by my inability to even think about talking on the phone without freaking out.
In good news, Pete, the most adorable cat in the universe, continues to delight. Playtime is fun and he curls up and purrs against me at nap time. ~bright spot~ I was gifted with an Ash Williams figure! Groovy!
I’m trying to hang and make necessary changes. You hang in there too, okay? We gotta look after each other.
I’ve been working on trying to get out of the house more. Stymied by lack of funds plus it is winter. Yes, I live in Arizona but we do have winter which means rain and gloomy days. And for me, highs in the 50s feels really cold and uncomfortable.
As I’ve mentioned before, I need to set down roots. It is vital for my mental health. I never managed that in the Bay Area. I am really trying to do so here. It’s a bit easier since I lived in this area for 6 years. Unfortunately, I’m in a different corner and have to learn my way around this part of town.
I’ve started a SF/F fan group here to mirror my group in Tucson. I plan to drive down to visit my friends in the Tucson group when I have the energy and funds. I am also in the process of reactivating the poly group. Not sure where any of these endeavours will lead but it’s the sort of work I find helpful.
I haven’t yet found a therapist. Doing so is on my agenda. As is getting my follow-up bloodwork to see if anything has improved (or worsened ~sigh).
I’m trying to do some nesting. I want to put things away. There are still boxes taking up one room of the house. I need a dresser, a couple of bookcases and storage shelves. I need to give Craigslist a look though I have no way to transport anything large in my Camry (my wolfcub’s truck wold not make the drive up here so that’s right out).
I am still engaging in what activism I can. Unfortunately, my Congresscritters are not inclined the way I am. But I make my voice heard. I am pulling back from social media a bit. Not reading as much or posting as much because it distresses me.
Yep. Again. Details at the link. I really want to create again. I want to get beads and make jewelry. I want to get fabric and make clothing and costumes. I want to give value to those who have been so generous to me.
Made it through 2016. Barely. It was a difficult year in so many ways. Both personally and politically (societally). I had a few really, really good moments:
And many not so good moments. My depression is…well, as up and down as it goes. I had a good therapist before moving back to AZ and that helped so very much. I haven’t yet found one here. My energy is being expended on my physical health plus external stuff (relationships, finances and the like). The election, the numerous celebrity deaths have also had an impact.
I have to make changes or I will die. Not kidding. My health needs to come first. Self-care has always been difficult for me. I invest so much in caring for others. I have to do it if I want to continue on in this life.
Part of self-care is writing, writing, writing. So I will make a greater effort to blog more regularly.