Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes. If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state! If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt. My life would be vastly different.
As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just” swirled through my head. And I became angry.
Seriously, I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips. But *nothing* is simple for me anymore. There’s no “just” doing anything. I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning. Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean). Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise). I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations. This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.
Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning. Then I will try to get some of the needful done. Or maybe a nap.
Oh hey, that’s something I can just! Nap. I can just nap.
The founder, Amy Bleuel, died on March 23. Yes, it was by suicide. However, do not lose hope. The struggle goes on. For you and me and everyone. Please reach out and do not give in!
“If anyone is struggling right now, please take care of yourself. Please talk to someone about it. Please make use of the resources we do have. You can text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can call The Trevor Project at 866-488-7386. Or, consider donating your social media data for suicide prevention research at OurDataHelps.”
I’m so tired. And stressed. And….argh! It was in the 90s today. The AC in this house has stopped working. Contacted the landlord. Waiting to hear something. Several of my meds and my conditions make me more sensitive to heat. Yeah, I know that I wanted to be back in AZ. Overall, the dry, warm climate is pretty good for me. But as with anywhere, there are drawbacks. Several of my friends were snowed in last week, frex.
This would be easier if I were not also on my period. My cycles are getting shorter and my periods heavier. I’m fearful that I’ll be back to anemia land like I was three years ago when I ended up in the hospital getting blood transfusions.
Plus expending the energy to deal with service people (very nice, professional folks but still takes energy).
Also, strange rash. And my hands hurt. Plus, my partner is going out of the country for a week!
Sleep has been elusive but when I do sleep, I dream. Boy howdy do I dream. In vivid Technicolor with THX digital sound. In three-part harmony.
I’m assuming these dreams are created out of my anxieties, worries, concerns and other deeply, deeply buried issues from my psyche. Some of them are quite….disturbing.
I regularly dream about dead people. My dead relatives visit me often. I suppose I could go all woo and say that they are bringing me messages from the cosmos or that there is some deep philosophical and/or spiritual shit going on with those dreams. I also regularly dream about being part of a resistance/rebellion/super secret agent. Usually hiding from THEM(tm), fighting THEM(tm), saving refugees or an asset from THEM(tm). Plus I dream about bathrooms. Not sure why. Luxurious and large tubs and showers. Enough room to have a party in the bathroom with several people plus a sideboard for refreshments. And a full bar, of course. The type of bathroom Heinlein frequently included in his books.
Recent dreams include vacationing somewhere (the hotel room had a large hot tub in the center) and my partner having a heart attack while we are out touristing. He got taken to a hospital and I am assured he will be fine. But I am left alone and uncertain. Ugh. I woke up feeling really panicked and upset.
I’ve had several dreams of late that leave me feeling uneasy, upset and generally exhausted emotionally. My dreams take me to places that I do not wish to go and explore all the dark places of my mind.
I had serious, no tricking, night terrors when I was a child. I frequently would lie awake listening to music hoping to not sleep. I learned lucid dreaming and how to reshape my dreams from the incredibly terrifying things they were to something rather less icky.
I have a *LOT* of fears around protecting my family/loved ones and my ability/inability in that regard. It may come from losing my parents and brother when I was in my 20s. So many of my dreams were/are about threats to those people and my attempts to save them. The worst ones are where I am kept somehow from taking action. Those really put me in a poor headspace for the day(week..month)
So my head is full of darkness and it is seeping into my dreams.
Went with my partner to his therapy appointment this afternoon. It was uncomfortable and rambly. She wants me to come back for the next one as well.
Went to bed at a reasonable hour. It was too hot. Then too cold. Then too hot. Then the CPAP was too noisy. Then the cat was too heavy. Then the blankets were too heavy. Then my partner was too close. Then I started thinking about all the things. Mostly how much money I don’t have. Then I got up to play WoW and distract myself. But then I decided to see how much I’d need to get current on all my bills ($750). Now I’m more down. No part-time and/or work from home job seems to be falling from the sky. None of the resumes that I’ve sent out have gotten a response. I read through the instructions for applying for disability. Started an application. Got discouraged and more depressed.
I want to just stop existing. Maybe move to an alternate timeline where I never moved away from NC. Or the one where I got my shit together after my mom got sick and nearly died when I was in college and I returned after the semester off and finished my degree, got a decent job and helped her and my family. Or the one where I stayed healthy. Or the one where I never moved to CA. Or the one where I’m an entirely different person who can function.