Lies my depression tells me

You aren’t really sick. You are just lazy.  You don’t really want to do any work at all. You are useless anyway.  And you are a terrible person.  An awful friend.  You just use people.  You are also a horrible housekeeper.  Just lazy.  Can’t be bothered to do all the dishes by hand and put them away like normal folks.  Can’t complete the laundry in one go like normal people.  You are laaazzzy.  Seriously lazy.  Look at what all those other people are accomplishing!  People worse off than you!  Getting shit done.  Gardening,  laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, cooking!   You suck.  Look at your poor cat over there begging for attention.  What an awful person you are!

Lazy, ugly, stupid, undeserving.

 

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Rambling

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I’ve spent today updating my resume, browsing and applying for jobs in Tucson and looking at rentals in Tucson.  Based on the rental prices, I calculated that I need a job at $13/hr minimum to live there on my own.  It would be tight but I’d be able to have a decent apartment for me and Pete (the cat) IMG_20160607_143703

 

I’m also trying to figure out how much I’ll need for the move and after to sustain me until I do land a job.  I haven’t nailed down a number yet but I think it will likely be in the $2000 range.  That should be enough to cover rent and utilities and food for a couple of months.

My plan includes updating here as often as possible to keep myself on track.  Feel free to holler at me if you think I may be slacking.  My deadline is August.

Thanks for following along with my journey.   Here’s to health and happiness!

P.S.  Got some bloodwork done and my thyroid is stable (hooray!), my cholesterol is..not (BOO!).   Working with my doc to get that under control.  ~sigh~   Mental healthwise, working towards moving back to AZ is sustaining me.  Visiting my bro and NC really gave me a positive energy boost.  Hanging in there. Moving on.

Going home and back again

Through the kindness and generosity of friends and loved ones, I was able to make the trip to NC to see my brother wed to his lovely, wonderful bride.  I was able to meet my delightful, energetic niblings.  I was able to see old friends and build new memories.  I was able to eat NC bbq (pulled pork!), real biscuits and gravy, Bojangles sausage biscuits, sweet tea and other delights of my childhood!   I also visited my parents graves.

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It was a good trip.  Mostly had an excellent time.  I felt the tug of home and wanted to stay.  I talked long and deep with my bestest friend from childhood.  I received so much love and many amazing hugs.  I was twitterpated which alarmed me but it’s kinda fun to have that silly, goofy feeling.   My accent came out of hiding.  I heard my name more in those few days than in my entire lifetime previously (seriously, 3 yo and 5 yo are very keen on repeating words and phrases).

I navel gazed and had many thinky thoughts.  It was an entirely good and useful trip.

I know now with a clear certainty that I need to move back to AZ.  I am trying to form a plan to make this happen.  I thought about moving back to NC but the current political climate makes me hesitant (as well as the physical climate…oy!  so humid!  And the biting insects!).  That is still on the table if the AZ thing doesn’t work out.  Either place, I have a real support network with deep connections.

I’m trying to calculate how much I’d need in case I have to move alone.  I may ask for assistance once again.  I apologize if it seems I’m always running around with outstretched hand.  I do what I can with my own resources.  And a move has specific goals.  If alone, I’ll need enough to get a small apartment plus enough to sustain me until I find a job.  I do not anticipate it taking long to secure employment in Tucson, Phoenix or in the Triangle of NC.  I have contacts and can work my network to find something that will pay decently (the amount differs depending on where exactly I land).

So, with proper planning,  there will be no freaking out over financial issues.  Okay, maybe a little.  But only a very little.

This is something I need to do for myself.  For my mental health, my physical health.  My best friend noted that I’d spent the past two decades sublimating my needs and myself in favor of other people and  she feels it’s about damn time I find myself again.

She’s smart.  I am taking her advice.

I am not okay.

I’ve been pretending as hard as I can. My hormones are all wonky thanks to menopause.  I feel uncomfortable in my body. I’ve been moody, cranky and forgetful. Politics are getting to me. I’m still recovering from the crud. Still coughing, congestion and feeling blah. My sinuses ache. My head aches.

Music therapy helps. Petting the cat helps. Knowing I’ll get to see my brother and meet his wife and kids helps.

Knowing that one way or another, I will be returning to live in Arizona really helps.

Holding on.

Coping

It is so hard sometimes.  Now and then, it seems that life is determined to grind you into the dirt, spit on you, set you on fire, toss you off a cliff and then kick you in the shins.

I’ve been having a difficult time of late.  It culminated when I found that I’d managed to really, thoroughly  fuck up.

So, my brother, the only family I have left invited me to his wedding (he’s been married for 6 years and they are finally throwing themselves a little ceremony).  This is a huge bright point that I eagerly, enthusiastically tried to grasp.

I poked around for inexpensive flights (there are none between here and the three airports that are sort of nearish to him).   I bought a pretty dress, and underpinnings and things.

Did I mention that it was short notice and the wedding very soon?

Anyway.  Back to me fucking up my finances.

I managed to catch the flu of hacking snotfullness and spent a week out of work (sleeping, taking meds, sleeping some more, hacking my lungs out, putting them back into my body).  Somewhere in there, I lost track of what the hell I was doing and managed to make myself broke-ass.

Now I am trying to get a refund on the airfare.  I’ve returned some things I bought.  I have no idea is any of the things I’ve done will get me out of the deep hell hole I managed to dig.  But I am trying.  I will keep trying.

Meanwhile.  I have not see my brother in over a decade. I have not met my 5 y.o. niece or my 3 y.o nephew.  I have not been back in my home state in…well, I don’t know for sure exactly.   I desperately want to go to this wedding and see them.

Plus, I have been not sleeping at night.  My dreams are full of dead people and strangeness.  Like Supernatural levels of strangeness.   Actually, I think Dean & Sam showed up in one or two.

Then.

On Saturday, my partner took me to the beach.  I don’t know if I can express what that means to me.  No, I really can’t.  There are simply no words.

I needed to stick my toes in the sand and the surf. And just sit and be.  There in the sun and wind, hearing the crash of the ocean, watching the tide come in.

It was glorious.

I don’t know exactly what I will do but I feel much better to handle whatever.