Stress factor 100000000


Money and financial stability is a hugenormous source of stress for me.  I think it is because I grew up very, very poor.  No really.  I was born a poor, black child.  Even though we were on welfare and got food stamps *and* my dad worked 6 days a week, paying bills and having food were never sure things each month.

When I was 12ish, my mom who had been ill for quite a while abdicated household chores.  So, of course, the only girl (and the youngest) had to step in.  I do not know why my 4 brothers chose to let me shoulder the burden.  I know why my dad did, he had a 6th grade education and was sure his brilliant, genius IQ daughter could handle it better than he. That’s when I found out up close just how on the edge we were.  Each and every month.

I spent a lot of time in the school guidance  counselor’s office.

I ran like crazy to boarding school when I was offered the chance for the last two years of high school.  Not that living away from home absolved me of my responsibilities but at least I didn’t have to do the day-to-day of cooking, cleaning, laundry.  Or stare my inadequacy in the face (well, that particular one, I had/have others).

I had very low wage jobs until I lucked into a real career after crashing and burning out of college (why, yes, please let me attempt not one but *two* of the most demanding engineering majors!).   I lived in crappy houses with scummy landlords.

So I fret about money quite a lot.  I probably always will.  I’m not kidding when I talk about being afraid of not being able to get the health care I need or paying off debt or any of that stuff.  It’s the thing that gives me nightmares.

Childhood baggage is heavy, y’all!


One of those days

Yesterday was a difficult day.  I gave up.  I spent most of it in bed thinking about how awful I am and because I am awful, useless, incompetent therefore how awful my life is.

I had dreamed  the night before about my best friend’s mother. I awoke feeling that I needed to share the message of the dream with her (which I did later).  Then darkness crowded in and wiped away any feelings other than disappointment, dissatisfaction and dislike (of self).

It was a really bad day.  After giving in to the dark thoughts, I then spent time thinking about how to move forward and reshape my life.  I have plans swirling around and hope to solidify the necessary steps.  Radical changes and gradual changes.  Most importantly, however:




So, today took my car in for an oil change. Oh, and to get that funny noise evaluated.


$700+ later, I have a much safer car with brakes that work.


I don’t actually have that much money.


Was informed that my left front strut is leaking. So need those replaced/repaired. And an alignment. And new belts.


Will blog, create beaded jewelry or other negotiables for cash or a trip to Theory (the place where everything works!)