A visit to Mother Ocean

Things have been very stressful around these parts.  Last weekend, my partner and I wandered off to Monterey for some relaxing.  Went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, ate some seafood, wandered around Fisherman’s Wharf and enjoyed the cool breezes, the gorgeous water and communed with the sea.    I have many thoughts on recent US and world events but for now,  have some pictures of a lovely excursion to the ocean side.




My heart hurts.  I’ve cried and raged myself to exhaustion.  But still the awfulness continues.  Here are some words by those more eloquent than I.

Tananarive Due: This is What You Do

Beyonce: Freedom.

17 Poems To Read When The World Is Too Much

My Own Random Thoughts



The benefits of being open

mental illness


The 4 most ridiculous moments from my recent clinical depression.

I love this piece.  I have a nice dose of anxiety to go along with my depression so the experiences outlined in it resonated with me.  However, the intro to the piece is really, really, really important.  Those of us who can be open not only help ourselves, we help destigmatize mental illness.  We try to show those with mental illness that they are not alone and others do grok.  We try to show those without mental illness just how incredibly brutal and debilitating it is.  We try to sow compassion and understanding.



Someone quoted this on a discussion I was reading and it brought tears to my eyes.  Lots of tears.  I feel adrift without my wacky, weird, chosen family.  I haven’t found home here so I haven’t done any sort of setting down the roots I need to settle in to a new area. Going home to my brother’s wedding and seeing old friends was amazing.  However, it’s made me feel even more discontent here.  I want to be somewhere near a larger part of my family.  I never see the bit that’s here (hi Mark, love you but you are entirely too damn busy of late).  And my partner…well,  there are issues.   Always have been but I am feeling them very acutely just now.  Those small annoyances feel much bigger. Old resentments that I thought long resolved have cropped back up and are eating my brain and energy.

I want to pack all of my stuff into the car and just drive away.   But I cannot.  First ,the car isn’t mine.  Second, I need a little patience to save up at least enough money so I can put gas in the car when I drive away and cover basic needs wherever it is I run to.

This week has been difficult.  I’ve had a nagging migraine starting on Monday afternoon.  I drugged myself up enough to make it into work W-F but was suffering by the afternoon each day.  My sleep quality has actually been okay but just not enough of it.   Even so, I managed laundry and food and taking care of the critters.

I feel like I’m on a tightrope without a net.  If I fall, no one will be there to catch me.  I do not feel my partner should be all the things to me.  I’ve never asked nor expected that type of relationship.   I know what he offers and I get value from it.  My need for a specific expression of  sympathy and support, I get or used to get elsewhere.  Yes, I get support offered long distance but I need some in person support as well.   I need to be able to meet up with that friend who understands so we sit quietly near each other while dorking around on our tablets.  Or have deep, rambling talks about relationships, writing, books with that other friend who also enjoys such things.  Or cuddle with my OSO with no expectations, no obligations.

Here, leaving the house is arduous for me because I hate the traffic so much.  Even just going to Target or the CVS up the street is annoying because of all the people!  So crowded all the time.  Living near major thoroughfares has its drawbacks!  Some days it takes me quite some time just to get out of my neighborhood.

I feel weighed down my expectations, obligations, responsibilities.  It’s a burden I don’t  feel like I have anyone near who would support me in holding it all.  On top of feeling like I am the support for other’s burdens.

Normally, I’m fine with the sharing of love, support and energy but right now, I feel like I am not allowed to stop and breathe.

I know that part of it is my depression banging on about the lie of laziness and uselessness. I am only valued for those things I do for others and not in any way for just being who I am.

I need my chosen family and friends.  Those folks who help me break the cycle.  Who surround me with love, fun, laughter, hugs.    My therapist is great at listening and showing me how to redirect those negative thoughts.  But.

Ohana.  It is central.

Lies my depression tells me

You aren’t really sick. You are just lazy.  You don’t really want to do any work at all. You are useless anyway.  And you are a terrible person.  An awful friend.  You just use people.  You are also a horrible housekeeper.  Just lazy.  Can’t be bothered to do all the dishes by hand and put them away like normal folks.  Can’t complete the laundry in one go like normal people.  You are laaazzzy.  Seriously lazy.  Look at what all those other people are accomplishing!  People worse off than you!  Getting shit done.  Gardening,  laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, cooking!   You suck.  Look at your poor cat over there begging for attention.  What an awful person you are!

Lazy, ugly, stupid, undeserving.