Gratitude

Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.

Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.

Advertisements

A Confession

tumblr_o6z8l79cvy1vow9fgo1_400

 

I am depressed.  I haven’t blogged about it or really written very explicitly about it in quite some time.  It’s because I’m in a truly dark place and depression lies.  It lies and tells me that no one cares, no one wants to hear about my feelings/struggles.  It tells me that people are tired of my constant struggles with depression and finances and my whining about my life when obviously I have many good things.

I am worried and stressed and my depression lies and tells me that I’m being stupid/silly.  Any problem I have is my own fault and I should just *fix* it already.  I’m not sleeping or eating well (this is very bad due to my eating disorder past and I know it but my depression tells me that it doesn’t matter).

My depression tells me that everyone around me would be better off if I disappeared from the world entirely.  That ceasing to exist would be a vast improvement to my current state of uselessness.

I’m wrestling with it, the darkness, my old friend, my depression brain.  I’m trying a new antidepressant but it hasn’t had a chance to kick in yet.  I’m applying music therapy and playing silly games and trying, trying, trying to shut out the noise, the lies.  I’m mostly managing to get out of bed everyday so there’s that.

A Helping Hand fundraiser

Paypal donation link

Hold onto Hope

I’ve written about Project Semicolon a few times.

semicolon

The founder,  Amy Bleuel, died on March 23.  Yes, it was by suicide.  However,  do not lose hope.  The struggle goes on.  For you and me and everyone.   Please reach out and do not give in!

“If anyone is struggling right now, please take care of yourself. Please talk to someone about it. Please make use of the resources we do have. You can text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can call The Trevor Project at 866-488-7386. Or, consider donating your social media data for suicide prevention research at OurDataHelps.”

Hold onto hope!

ETA:  I just found this amazing piece on Medium written by the founder of  Other Lives a peer support group for trauma survivors.  Please go read it.

A New Year

happy-fucking-new-year

Made it through 2016.  Barely.  It was a difficult year in so many ways.  Both personally and politically (societally).  I had a few really, really good moments:

 

And many not so good moments.  My depression is…well, as up and down as it goes.  I had a good therapist before moving back to AZ and that helped so very much.  I haven’t yet found one here.  My energy is being expended on my physical health plus external stuff (relationships, finances and the like).  The election, the numerous celebrity deaths have also had an impact.

d87eced94f85a878ce67a79d5df81a8c

I have to make changes or I will die.  Not kidding.  My health needs to come first.  Self-care has always been difficult for me.  I invest so much in caring for others.  I have to do it if I want to continue on in this life.

Part of self-care is writing, writing, writing.  So I will make a greater effort to blog more regularly.

 

 

Help support this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/CherylMartin

 

I am not okay.

I’ve been pretending as hard as I can. My hormones are all wonky thanks to menopause.  I feel uncomfortable in my body. I’ve been moody, cranky and forgetful. Politics are getting to me. I’m still recovering from the crud. Still coughing, congestion and feeling blah. My sinuses ache. My head aches.

Music therapy helps. Petting the cat helps. Knowing I’ll get to see my brother and meet his wife and kids helps.

Knowing that one way or another, I will be returning to live in Arizona really helps.

Holding on.