Drowning

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On my rollercoaster ride of depression, I’m currently at a very, very low point.  I was finally able to connect with a therapist and my first session is tomorrow.  So there’s that.  I’ve been either sleeping too little or too much.  For the past several days, I’ve not been able to talk myself into getting out of bed until the afternoon.  I feel so useless.  Like why bother going through the motions.  I’ve been eating either way too little or too much of the wrong things.

Still waiting on a decision on my disability.  Meanwhile, I need food, gas, pet supplies. All of my bills are overdue.  I have no answers for the nice folks that keep calling me about them or sending me letters or email. Many of my clothes don’t fit anymore.  It’d be nice to have a pair of orthopedic slippers for around the house.  It’d be nice to go to a movie.

I’ve been trying to read or listen to music but that’s not really working on my anxiety.  It helps for a little while.  And I guess those small moments will have to do for now.  My dreams are full of all kinds of anxiety induced monsters.

I am hoping that therapy will help.  Except I am anxious about the added expense on top of everything else.  But I know I need the help.  But I will continue to fret.

As always, if you can help, here is my YouCaring page: A Helping Hand 

And my PayPal

 

 

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Medical Stuff and my birfday

Friday, I went to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist).  He was very kind and reassuring.  I have more tests including and ultrasound on my kidneys.  I have Stage 3 CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease).  ~sigh~  My mom died from end stage renal failure which is Stage 5.  So I’m a little shaken.  My mind, of course, went immediately to the worst scenario possible. The doctor also wants to check for lupus and other things.  But he said many times that I shouldn’t worry at this point.  My numbers aren’t good but they are borderline.

My primary doc made a good call referring me to specialists.  I’m glad I switched!  She’s awesome.

Oh yeah, podiatrist wants me to get diabetic orthotics so I went and got my feet measured.  It’ll be around $250 for shoes and three pairs of inserts which should last for year or so.

Will need to have my current meds re-evaluated though, because a couple of them aren’t good for the kidneys.

At least I’ll have met my deductible for the year after all of this.   Why is trying to stay healthy so expensive?

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So, my birthday is fast approaching.  I’m tossing out my wishlists in case anyone wants to do the thing.

Amazon Wishlist

Crafting things Amazon Wishlist

ThinkGeek Wish List

 

 

Health and such.

Just finished my physical eval for disability.  I am tired beyond words.  It was stressful in a myriad of ways.  The doc was really kind though.  I just hate being broken.  I’d much rather be healthy or at least functional.

Next up is the mental health eval.  I’m glad have a couple of weeks to silently freak out.  This is so hard.

However, there is good health news, my last A1C was 6.4 which is an improvement over the 7.0 from the two previous tests!  So there’s that.  I’d love to eventually get off the metformin.  I have plenty enough other pills to take.

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A quickie

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Not up for a lengthy essay today but I did want to tell y’all about something that happened today.   Through an interaction on social media, I was forcefully reminded about the stigma surrounding mental health.  I was distressed quite a bit about this.  It hit harder because it came from a person that I’d never thought would cotton to such an idea.  It floored me, frankly.  I’m still kinda reeling from it.

What it’s done, however, is to make me more resolved in speaking out about my condition, sharing resources and letting folks know that they are *not* alone!  I got your back!  You have value and worth and there is support out there.  There is help available. It is not a character flaw!

 

 

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The second thing I wanted to mention was that, well, I did it!  I created an Etsy shop!  Woohoo!  DragonWolfCrafts.  Now all I need to do is fill it with stuff for folks to buy.

 

Go me!

 

Thanks and have a happy week!

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Why don’t you just…

Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes.  If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state!  If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt.  My life would be vastly different.

As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just”  swirled through my head.  And I became angry.

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Me after hearing “why don’t you just” one time too many

Seriously,  I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips.  But *nothing* is simple for me anymore.  There’s no “just” doing anything.  I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning.  Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean).   Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise).  I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations.  This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.

Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning.  Then I will try to get some of the needful done.  Or maybe a nap.

Oh hey, that’s something I can just!  Nap.  I can just nap.