Health and such.

Just finished my physical eval for disability.  I am tired beyond words.  It was stressful in a myriad of ways.  The doc was really kind though.  I just hate being broken.  I’d much rather be healthy or at least functional.

Next up is the mental health eval.  I’m glad have a couple of weeks to silently freak out.  This is so hard.

However, there is good health news, my last A1C was 6.4 which is an improvement over the 7.0 from the two previous tests!  So there’s that.  I’d love to eventually get off the metformin.  I have plenty enough other pills to take.

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A Confession

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I am depressed.  I haven’t blogged about it or really written very explicitly about it in quite some time.  It’s because I’m in a truly dark place and depression lies.  It lies and tells me that no one cares, no one wants to hear about my feelings/struggles.  It tells me that people are tired of my constant struggles with depression and finances and my whining about my life when obviously I have many good things.

I am worried and stressed and my depression lies and tells me that I’m being stupid/silly.  Any problem I have is my own fault and I should just *fix* it already.  I’m not sleeping or eating well (this is very bad due to my eating disorder past and I know it but my depression tells me that it doesn’t matter).

My depression tells me that everyone around me would be better off if I disappeared from the world entirely.  That ceasing to exist would be a vast improvement to my current state of uselessness.

I’m wrestling with it, the darkness, my old friend, my depression brain.  I’m trying a new antidepressant but it hasn’t had a chance to kick in yet.  I’m applying music therapy and playing silly games and trying, trying, trying to shut out the noise, the lies.  I’m mostly managing to get out of bed everyday so there’s that.

A Helping Hand fundraiser

Paypal donation link

A quickie

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Not up for a lengthy essay today but I did want to tell y’all about something that happened today.   Through an interaction on social media, I was forcefully reminded about the stigma surrounding mental health.  I was distressed quite a bit about this.  It hit harder because it came from a person that I’d never thought would cotton to such an idea.  It floored me, frankly.  I’m still kinda reeling from it.

What it’s done, however, is to make me more resolved in speaking out about my condition, sharing resources and letting folks know that they are *not* alone!  I got your back!  You have value and worth and there is support out there.  There is help available. It is not a character flaw!

 

 

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The second thing I wanted to mention was that, well, I did it!  I created an Etsy shop!  Woohoo!  DragonWolfCrafts.  Now all I need to do is fill it with stuff for folks to buy.

 

Go me!

 

Thanks and have a happy week!

Help me with crafting supplies

Help support this blog!

Personal things

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Haven’t updated in a long while. So, got out and skimmed the pool. Trying to do this every day but not always succeeding. So that was exercise plus time in the sun (need that vit D). It’s 9000 degrees here and the air quality sucks so I’m actually avoiding spending a lot of time outside at the moment. When monsoon season kicks in, I’ll probably go spend time on the patio post deluge when the air is clear and stuff. Hope it happens soon but the forecast for the short term is just very sunny and very hot.

I’ve also taken to dancing around the living room for exercise. The birds really don’t like my taste in music though.

Been having pretty bad pain levels in my right hand, right hip and lower back. Not sure why but hopefully, more movement will ease things. Or I resort to drugs.

I think I posted somewhere about taking classes to try to keep my brane engaged. I started with a full slate but quickly realized that I was being unrealistic and setting myself up for failure. So, I now only have Art History which I am enjoying quite a lot.

I managed to read yesterday!  I devoured an entire book in a few hours.  It was great.  My review is here: Flowers of Luna by Jennifer Linsky

Plus I’ve watched the Black Panther Teaser Trailer many, many, many times.  I’ve also watched a slew of blerd reactions videos.  I. Can. NOT. Wait!  So excited for this.  I really want to make a Dora Milaje costume.

Actually, I’ve gotten the urge to Make.  I created a crafty things wishlist on Amazon here.

Well, that’s it.  Still not sleeping well.  Still anxiously stressed about money.  Still overwhelmed by the news of the day.  Still overwhelmed by all that needs doing around the house.

But I have an adorable kitten and a wonderful, cuddly cat who purr and frolic.

Finn and Pete

 

 

https://www.youcaring.com/HelpCherylThrive

Usefulness

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Since it is Mental Health Month, I decided to do a little Booster campaign to give y’all something tangible in return for your support.  The campaign is here:  https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth I hope you like the design. I think it is pretty spiffy.  As stated in the information at Booster, I will donate part of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales to NAMI.  The campaign is open throughout the month with the t-shirts delivered a couple of weeks after it closes.

So, that said. Let me delve a bit into why I’m doing this.  I mentioned before that I’m coming out of a down cycle.  Doing something useful will help me keep from falling back too far.  I’m actually pretty excited to see this succeed.  There’s a minimum of 8 sales before the shirts will go to print.   However, if 20 are sold, Booster will kick in another $20, if 100 are sold it’s $50 and so on.  I doubt I have enough reach for 100 but I’d be thrilled with 20!  I’ll donate the entirety of the extra.

Anyway, thanks for listening.  I’ve been feeling incredibly useless and like a waste of air.  This campaign is a good start to quelling those feelings.  I’m going to look for other things I can do that makes me feel like a contributing member of society.

Why don’t you just…

Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes.  If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state!  If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt.  My life would be vastly different.

As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just”  swirled through my head.  And I became angry.

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Me after hearing “why don’t you just” one time too many

Seriously,  I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips.  But *nothing* is simple for me anymore.  There’s no “just” doing anything.  I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning.  Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean).   Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise).  I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations.  This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.

Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning.  Then I will try to get some of the needful done.  Or maybe a nap.

Oh hey, that’s something I can just!  Nap.  I can just nap.