On my rollercoaster ride of depression, I’m currently at a very, very low point. I was finally able to connect with a therapist and my first session is tomorrow. So there’s that. I’ve been either sleeping too little or too much. For the past several days, I’ve not been able to talk myself into getting out of bed until the afternoon. I feel so useless. Like why bother going through the motions. I’ve been eating either way too little or too much of the wrong things.
Still waiting on a decision on my disability. Meanwhile, I need food, gas, pet supplies. All of my bills are overdue. I have no answers for the nice folks that keep calling me about them or sending me letters or email. Many of my clothes don’t fit anymore. It’d be nice to have a pair of orthopedic slippers for around the house. It’d be nice to go to a movie.
I’ve been trying to read or listen to music but that’s not really working on my anxiety. It helps for a little while. And I guess those small moments will have to do for now. My dreams are full of all kinds of anxiety induced monsters.
I am hoping that therapy will help. Except I am anxious about the added expense on top of everything else. But I know I need the help. But I will continue to fret.
As always, if you can help, here is my YouCaring page: A Helping Hand
And my PayPal
Medical stuff. Seriously. Trying to get healthy is exhausting. And expensive. Why? And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.
So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests. It was like 8 or 10 vials! So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body. But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad. He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.
I’m researching renal diets. And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food. Yay! There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all. I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist. sigh
I still need to find a therapist. I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients. I also need to get my eyes checked. Oh, and the dentist.
In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability. Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision. I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day. But that’s not how my brain works. Anyway.
I got to see my wolfcub! So that was a happy. He gave me a pretty!
He’s making many pretties to sell. I’ll let you know where you can get yours.
Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!
- If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
- If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.
If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways:
Friday, I went to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist). He was very kind and reassuring. I have more tests including and ultrasound on my kidneys. I have Stage 3 CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease). ~sigh~ My mom died from end stage renal failure which is Stage 5. So I’m a little shaken. My mind, of course, went immediately to the worst scenario possible. The doctor also wants to check for lupus and other things. But he said many times that I shouldn’t worry at this point. My numbers aren’t good but they are borderline.
My primary doc made a good call referring me to specialists. I’m glad I switched! She’s awesome.
Oh yeah, podiatrist wants me to get diabetic orthotics so I went and got my feet measured. It’ll be around $250 for shoes and three pairs of inserts which should last for year or so.
Will need to have my current meds re-evaluated though, because a couple of them aren’t good for the kidneys.
At least I’ll have met my deductible for the year after all of this. Why is trying to stay healthy so expensive?
So, my birthday is fast approaching. I’m tossing out my wishlists in case anyone wants to do the thing.
Crafting things Amazon Wishlist
ThinkGeek Wish List
Podiatrist down. Mostly good news. Yearly checkups for now. Need orthotics though. Gotta keep my feet all healthy and stuff.
Next is dentist. I’m scared, honestly. My gums are in very poor shape. It’s likely going to take a lot of work to get a healthy mouth.
The earliest appointment with the rheumatologist I could get is late October but it is scheduled.
I have to get Finn fixed and microchipped very soon.
Mentally/emotionally, I’m up and down but not as down. Thanks, effexor! Also trying to be social. I *think* I made some real connections Saturday night. Hope this is the start of really developing a friend circle and start putting down roots which is vital to my mental health.
My disability claim was denied as many, many, many, many people warned me would happen. Now I have to decide if I have the spoons to get a lawyer and appeal. It feels overwhelming.
I will note that I have made phone calls and gotten necessary medical appointments. So that feels like a huge accomplishment to me. I will also note that I have several other phone calls to make which I’ve not steeled myself to make as of yet. I still need to see a nephrologist and a therapist and get my eyes checked. And now I need to get an appointment to get my feet all measured for orthotics so they stay as healthy as possible.
Please do not tell me how easy it is to just call see: Why don’t you just…
I guess I will continue to get out of bed each day and do what I am able.
Special thanks to my lovely, generous friends who manage to show me in a myriad of ways that I am loved.
A Helping Hand
Just finished my physical eval for disability. I am tired beyond words. It was stressful in a myriad of ways. The doc was really kind though. I just hate being broken. I’d much rather be healthy or at least functional.
Next up is the mental health eval. I’m glad have a couple of weeks to silently freak out. This is so hard.
However, there is good health news, my last A1C was 6.4 which is an improvement over the 7.0 from the two previous tests! So there’s that. I’d love to eventually get off the metformin. I have plenty enough other pills to take.
I am depressed. I haven’t blogged about it or really written very explicitly about it in quite some time. It’s because I’m in a truly dark place and depression lies. It lies and tells me that no one cares, no one wants to hear about my feelings/struggles. It tells me that people are tired of my constant struggles with depression and finances and my whining about my life when obviously I have many good things.
I am worried and stressed and my depression lies and tells me that I’m being stupid/silly. Any problem I have is my own fault and I should just *fix* it already. I’m not sleeping or eating well (this is very bad due to my eating disorder past and I know it but my depression tells me that it doesn’t matter).
My depression tells me that everyone around me would be better off if I disappeared from the world entirely. That ceasing to exist would be a vast improvement to my current state of uselessness.
I’m wrestling with it, the darkness, my old friend, my depression brain. I’m trying a new antidepressant but it hasn’t had a chance to kick in yet. I’m applying music therapy and playing silly games and trying, trying, trying to shut out the noise, the lies. I’m mostly managing to get out of bed everyday so there’s that.
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