For a long time, my memories of my childhood were vague and felt very, very distant. In part because I actively shied away from fully remembering. I’ve spoken of being raped when I was nine years old. However, as I approach 50, I find myself remembering happy times and a loving family. Memories of great adventures with cousins, large family gatherings and celebrations, church family, friends at school and in the neighborhood; all crowding forth in my mind lie whispers. It has moved me to look at the one family photo album that I managed to salvage after my mom’s death. So many great snapshots that made me smile and laugh. I want it back. I want it all back: the fun, the struggle, the pain, the love. All of it shaped who I am today.
I have reached out and reconnected with some family and friends on social media and will continue in my efforts. I’m enjoying seeing these amazing people and learning about who they are now. I really hope to return to NC sometime in 2018 to see them in person.
I feel like I was missing a part of me and now I am working to reclaim it. To make myself whole. Yes, it includes some really painful and sad parts but it also includes some really amazing, happy and loving parts as well.
To my friends and family, please share stories with me. I may not remember them all clearly but the more I hear, the more I remember and the more I feel myself.
Still waiting from a decision on my disability claim. Feeling frustrated and discouraged. Felt myself about to drown in the dark pool of depression. My wolfcub suggested we make real all the talk about selling our crafts. So I have an Etsy shop! He makes chain mail jewelry and I, as you know, make beaded stuff. My shop is Dragon Wolf Crafts
I am slowly adding inventory to the shop. Taking good pictures has been a challenge but I think I have some decent ones.
Making is wonderful and each completed piece brings me fulfillment. I have a reminder set so I can spend some time every day working on either crafting or on the shop. It’s good to have some structure to my days. I was getting lost.
So that’s the good. I’m still fretting about money because bills need to be paid. I added up how much it would take to make me current and it’s over $2000 with interest adding up every day. Each company offers help if you have some small income but they don’t have anything if you are flat ass broke like I am. Hopefully, the shop will allow me to pay something.
I am in a weird mental state right now. Hopeful but not. Really discouraged by politics and what feels like lack of social change. Discouraged by having no money and not hearing about my disability claim. But I make things! Pretty things. And I have a shop that may generate some income. I have friends and family who love and support me. Plus it is Secret Santa season! And I get to send out nifty holiday cards all over the country. But I’ve been sleeping poorly. And I’m tired all the time. And my hands hurt.
So, yeah. Weird mental/emotional state of late.
Medical stuff. Seriously. Trying to get healthy is exhausting. And expensive. Why? And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.
So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests. It was like 8 or 10 vials! So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body. But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad. He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.
I’m researching renal diets. And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food. Yay! There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all. I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist. sigh
I still need to find a therapist. I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients. I also need to get my eyes checked. Oh, and the dentist.
In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability. Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision. I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day. But that’s not how my brain works. Anyway.
I got to see my wolfcub! So that was a happy. He gave me a pretty!
He’s making many pretties to sell. I’ll let you know where you can get yours.
Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!
- If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
- If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.
If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways:
Podiatrist down. Mostly good news. Yearly checkups for now. Need orthotics though. Gotta keep my feet all healthy and stuff.
Next is dentist. I’m scared, honestly. My gums are in very poor shape. It’s likely going to take a lot of work to get a healthy mouth.
The earliest appointment with the rheumatologist I could get is late October but it is scheduled.
I have to get Finn fixed and microchipped very soon.
Mentally/emotionally, I’m up and down but not as down. Thanks, effexor! Also trying to be social. I *think* I made some real connections Saturday night. Hope this is the start of really developing a friend circle and start putting down roots which is vital to my mental health.
My disability claim was denied as many, many, many, many people warned me would happen. Now I have to decide if I have the spoons to get a lawyer and appeal. It feels overwhelming.
I will note that I have made phone calls and gotten necessary medical appointments. So that feels like a huge accomplishment to me. I will also note that I have several other phone calls to make which I’ve not steeled myself to make as of yet. I still need to see a nephrologist and a therapist and get my eyes checked. And now I need to get an appointment to get my feet all measured for orthotics so they stay as healthy as possible.
Please do not tell me how easy it is to just call see: Why don’t you just…
I guess I will continue to get out of bed each day and do what I am able.
Special thanks to my lovely, generous friends who manage to show me in a myriad of ways that I am loved.
A Helping Hand
Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.
Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.
Just finished my physical eval for disability. I am tired beyond words. It was stressful in a myriad of ways. The doc was really kind though. I just hate being broken. I’d much rather be healthy or at least functional.
Next up is the mental health eval. I’m glad have a couple of weeks to silently freak out. This is so hard.
However, there is good health news, my last A1C was 6.4 which is an improvement over the 7.0 from the two previous tests! So there’s that. I’d love to eventually get off the metformin. I have plenty enough other pills to take.