Since it is Mental Health Month, I decided to do a little Booster campaign to give y’all something tangible in return for your support. The campaign is here: https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth I hope you like the design. I think it is pretty spiffy. As stated in the information at Booster, I will donate part of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales to NAMI. The campaign is open throughout the month with the t-shirts delivered a couple of weeks after it closes.
So, that said. Let me delve a bit into why I’m doing this. I mentioned before that I’m coming out of a down cycle. Doing something useful will help me keep from falling back too far. I’m actually pretty excited to see this succeed. There’s a minimum of 8 sales before the shirts will go to print. However, if 20 are sold, Booster will kick in another $20, if 100 are sold it’s $50 and so on. I doubt I have enough reach for 100 but I’d be thrilled with 20! I’ll donate the entirety of the extra.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I’ve been feeling incredibly useless and like a waste of air. This campaign is a good start to quelling those feelings. I’m going to look for other things I can do that makes me feel like a contributing member of society.
Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes. If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state! If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt. My life would be vastly different.
As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just” swirled through my head. And I became angry.
Seriously, I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips. But *nothing* is simple for me anymore. There’s no “just” doing anything. I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning. Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean). Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise). I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations. This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.
Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning. Then I will try to get some of the needful done. Or maybe a nap.
Oh hey, that’s something I can just! Nap. I can just nap.
I’m so tired. And stressed. And….argh! It was in the 90s today. The AC in this house has stopped working. Contacted the landlord. Waiting to hear something. Several of my meds and my conditions make me more sensitive to heat. Yeah, I know that I wanted to be back in AZ. Overall, the dry, warm climate is pretty good for me. But as with anywhere, there are drawbacks. Several of my friends were snowed in last week, frex.
This would be easier if I were not also on my period. My cycles are getting shorter and my periods heavier. I’m fearful that I’ll be back to anemia land like I was three years ago when I ended up in the hospital getting blood transfusions.
Plus expending the energy to deal with service people (very nice, professional folks but still takes energy).
Also, strange rash. And my hands hurt. Plus, my partner is going out of the country for a week!
Sleep has been elusive but when I do sleep, I dream. Boy howdy do I dream. In vivid Technicolor with THX digital sound. In three-part harmony.
I’m assuming these dreams are created out of my anxieties, worries, concerns and other deeply, deeply buried issues from my psyche. Some of them are quite….disturbing.
I regularly dream about dead people. My dead relatives visit me often. I suppose I could go all woo and say that they are bringing me messages from the cosmos or that there is some deep philosophical and/or spiritual shit going on with those dreams. I also regularly dream about being part of a resistance/rebellion/super secret agent. Usually hiding from THEM(tm), fighting THEM(tm), saving refugees or an asset from THEM(tm). Plus I dream about bathrooms. Not sure why. Luxurious and large tubs and showers. Enough room to have a party in the bathroom with several people plus a sideboard for refreshments. And a full bar, of course. The type of bathroom Heinlein frequently included in his books.
Recent dreams include vacationing somewhere (the hotel room had a large hot tub in the center) and my partner having a heart attack while we are out touristing. He got taken to a hospital and I am assured he will be fine. But I am left alone and uncertain. Ugh. I woke up feeling really panicked and upset.
I’ve had several dreams of late that leave me feeling uneasy, upset and generally exhausted emotionally. My dreams take me to places that I do not wish to go and explore all the dark places of my mind.
I had serious, no tricking, night terrors when I was a child. I frequently would lie awake listening to music hoping to not sleep. I learned lucid dreaming and how to reshape my dreams from the incredibly terrifying things they were to something rather less icky.
I have a *LOT* of fears around protecting my family/loved ones and my ability/inability in that regard. It may come from losing my parents and brother when I was in my 20s. So many of my dreams were/are about threats to those people and my attempts to save them. The worst ones are where I am kept somehow from taking action. Those really put me in a poor headspace for the day(week..month)
So my head is full of darkness and it is seeping into my dreams.
Made it through 2016. Barely. It was a difficult year in so many ways. Both personally and politically (societally). I had a few really, really good moments:
And many not so good moments. My depression is…well, as up and down as it goes. I had a good therapist before moving back to AZ and that helped so very much. I haven’t yet found one here. My energy is being expended on my physical health plus external stuff (relationships, finances and the like). The election, the numerous celebrity deaths have also had an impact.
I have to make changes or I will die. Not kidding. My health needs to come first. Self-care has always been difficult for me. I invest so much in caring for others. I have to do it if I want to continue on in this life.
Part of self-care is writing, writing, writing. So I will make a greater effort to blog more regularly.