I feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting. The requested evals are done. So I am waiting for some strangers in an office not too far from here to decide if I am broken enough to receive disability.
I am seeing pictures from my friends at Pennsic and my friends travelling to Worldcon and I am wistful. I want to travel. I want to dress up in funny clothes and have magical encounters.
I miss my Nia. She’s haunting my dreams. I hope she’s okay. Yes, I’ve tried to contact her but I have heard nothing back. I worry, too, about my friend Beth. I miss, as well, those friends and acquaintances from all of the places I’ve lived and visited over the years.
Worry is my old friend. I fret, as usual, about money. I fret about being useless. I couldn’t even hold the coffee carafe to fill it this morning. I had to use two hands. I had a spurt of activity feeding the critters (birds and kitties). I fed myself too. But then I was tired, tired. I just want a nap.
Or I want to be elsewhere. Or maybe someone else. My 25 year old self, maybe. Or in a different universe where I stayed in NC. Or finished my degree and did good things for humanity. Or never left Tucson. Or ran off to join a commune.
I hate, hate, hate having to ask others for help all the time. I remember when I was the one able to lend a hand. Buy a meal or run an errand.
Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.
Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.
I am depressed. I haven’t blogged about it or really written very explicitly about it in quite some time. It’s because I’m in a truly dark place and depression lies. It lies and tells me that no one cares, no one wants to hear about my feelings/struggles. It tells me that people are tired of my constant struggles with depression and finances and my whining about my life when obviously I have many good things.
I am worried and stressed and my depression lies and tells me that I’m being stupid/silly. Any problem I have is my own fault and I should just *fix* it already. I’m not sleeping or eating well (this is very bad due to my eating disorder past and I know it but my depression tells me that it doesn’t matter).
My depression tells me that everyone around me would be better off if I disappeared from the world entirely. That ceasing to exist would be a vast improvement to my current state of uselessness.
I’m wrestling with it, the darkness, my old friend, my depression brain. I’m trying a new antidepressant but it hasn’t had a chance to kick in yet. I’m applying music therapy and playing silly games and trying, trying, trying to shut out the noise, the lies. I’m mostly managing to get out of bed everyday so there’s that.
Haven’t updated in a long while. So, got out and skimmed the pool. Trying to do this every day but not always succeeding. So that was exercise plus time in the sun (need that vit D). It’s 9000 degrees here and the air quality sucks so I’m actually avoiding spending a lot of time outside at the moment. When monsoon season kicks in, I’ll probably go spend time on the patio post deluge when the air is clear and stuff. Hope it happens soon but the forecast for the short term is just very sunny and very hot.
I’ve also taken to dancing around the living room for exercise. The birds really don’t like my taste in music though.
Been having pretty bad pain levels in my right hand, right hip and lower back. Not sure why but hopefully, more movement will ease things. Or I resort to drugs.
I think I posted somewhere about taking classes to try to keep my brane engaged. I started with a full slate but quickly realized that I was being unrealistic and setting myself up for failure. So, I now only have Art History which I am enjoying quite a lot.
Plus I’ve watched the Black Panther Teaser Trailer many, many, many times. I’ve also watched a slew of blerd reactions videos. I. Can. NOT. Wait! So excited for this. I really want to make a Dora Milaje costume.
Actually, I’ve gotten the urge to Make. I created a crafty things wishlist on Amazon here.
Well, that’s it. Still not sleeping well. Still anxiously stressed about money. Still overwhelmed by the news of the day. Still overwhelmed by all that needs doing around the house.
But I have an adorable kitten and a wonderful, cuddly cat who purr and frolic.
Since it is Mental Health Month, I decided to do a little Booster campaign to give y’all something tangible in return for your support. The campaign is here: https://www.booster.com/intomentalhealth I hope you like the design. I think it is pretty spiffy. As stated in the information at Booster, I will donate part of the proceeds from the t-shirt sales to NAMI. The campaign is open throughout the month with the t-shirts delivered a couple of weeks after it closes.
So, that said. Let me delve a bit into why I’m doing this. I mentioned before that I’m coming out of a down cycle. Doing something useful will help me keep from falling back too far. I’m actually pretty excited to see this succeed. There’s a minimum of 8 sales before the shirts will go to print. However, if 20 are sold, Booster will kick in another $20, if 100 are sold it’s $50 and so on. I doubt I have enough reach for 100 but I’d be thrilled with 20! I’ll donate the entirety of the extra.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I’ve been feeling incredibly useless and like a waste of air. This campaign is a good start to quelling those feelings. I’m going to look for other things I can do that makes me feel like a contributing member of society.
Sometimes, very well-intentioned people offer advice that begins: “Well, why don’t you just” and my head explodes. If I could “just* do anything, I wouldn’t be in my current state! If I could just pick up a phone, leave the house, be sociable, call a friend, call the doctor, not hurt. My life would be vastly different.
As I struggled to hold the kettle to pour the water for tea just now, the number of times I’ve heard “why don’t you just” swirled through my head. And I became angry.
Seriously, I don’t mind receiving advice and useful tips. But *nothing* is simple for me anymore. There’s no “just” doing anything. I struggle with talking myself into getting out of bed in the morning. Then there’s the getting myself to do the other needful things a person does to make it through the day (eat, bathe, dress, cook, clean). Plus the stuff that I would like to do (craft, play with Pete, see friends, take a class, exercise). I get frustrated with my wonky brain chemistry as well as my physical limitations. This leads me to doinking around on the internet, watching YouTube videos or traipsing through Azeroth.
Right now, I need to finish making my ginger tea because the nausea is really bad this morning. Then I will try to get some of the needful done. Or maybe a nap.
Oh hey, that’s something I can just! Nap. I can just nap.
I’m so tired. And stressed. And….argh! It was in the 90s today. The AC in this house has stopped working. Contacted the landlord. Waiting to hear something. Several of my meds and my conditions make me more sensitive to heat. Yeah, I know that I wanted to be back in AZ. Overall, the dry, warm climate is pretty good for me. But as with anywhere, there are drawbacks. Several of my friends were snowed in last week, frex.
This would be easier if I were not also on my period. My cycles are getting shorter and my periods heavier. I’m fearful that I’ll be back to anemia land like I was three years ago when I ended up in the hospital getting blood transfusions.
Plus expending the energy to deal with service people (very nice, professional folks but still takes energy).
Also, strange rash. And my hands hurt. Plus, my partner is going out of the country for a week!