Reclaiming My Childhood

For a long time, my memories of my childhood were vague and felt very, very distant.  In part because I actively shied away from fully remembering.  I’ve spoken of  being raped when I was nine years old.  However, as I approach 50, I find myself remembering happy times and a loving family.  Memories of great adventures with cousins, large family gatherings and celebrations, church family, friends at school and in the neighborhood; all crowding forth in my mind lie whispers.  It has moved me to look at the one family photo album that I managed to salvage after my mom’s death.  So many great snapshots that made me smile and laugh.    I want it back.  I want it all back: the fun, the struggle, the pain, the love.  All of it shaped who I am today.

childhood

I have reached out and reconnected with some family and friends on social media and will continue in my efforts.  I’m enjoying seeing these amazing people and learning about who they are now.  I really hope to return to NC sometime in 2018 to see them in person.

I feel like I was missing a part of me and now I am working to reclaim it. To make myself whole.   Yes, it includes some really painful and sad parts but it also includes some really amazing, happy and loving parts as well.

To my friends and family, please share stories with me.  I may not remember them all clearly but the more I hear, the more I remember and the more I feel myself.

 

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Things that make me tired

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Medical stuff.  Seriously.  Trying to get healthy is exhausting.  And expensive.  Why?  And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.

So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests.   It was like 8 or 10 vials!  So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body.   But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad.  He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.

I’m researching renal diets.  And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food.  Yay!  There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all.  I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist.   sigh

I still need to find a therapist.  I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients.  I also need to get my eyes checked.  Oh, and the dentist.

In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability.  Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision.  I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day.  But that’s not how my brain works.  Anyway.

I got to see my wolfcub!  So that was a happy.  He gave me a pretty!

martinandcherylinlvpretty choker

~kermitflail~

He’s making many pretties to sell.  I’ll let you know where you can get yours.

Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month  I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!  you-are-not-alone

  • If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
  • If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.

 

 

If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways:

https://www.youcaring.com/HelpCherylThrive

PayPal

 

 

 

Gratitude

Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.

Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.

Dreamtime

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Sleep has been elusive but when I do sleep, I dream.  Boy howdy do I dream.  In vivid Technicolor with THX digital sound.  In three-part harmony.

I’m assuming these dreams are created out of my anxieties, worries, concerns and other deeply, deeply buried issues from my psyche.  Some of them are quite….disturbing.

I regularly dream about dead people.  My dead relatives visit me often.  I suppose I could go all woo and say that they are bringing me messages from the cosmos or that there is some deep philosophical and/or spiritual shit going on with those dreams.   I also regularly dream about being part of a resistance/rebellion/super secret agent.  Usually hiding from THEM(tm), fighting THEM(tm), saving refugees or an asset from THEM(tm).    Plus I dream about bathrooms.  Not sure why.   Luxurious and large tubs and showers.  Enough room to have a party in the bathroom with several people plus a sideboard for refreshments.  And a full bar, of course.  The type of bathroom Heinlein frequently included in his books.

Recent dreams include vacationing somewhere (the hotel room had a large hot tub in the center) and my partner having a heart attack while we are out touristing.  He got taken to a hospital and I am assured he will be fine.  But I am left alone and uncertain.     Ugh.  I woke up feeling really panicked and upset.

I’ve had several dreams of late that leave me feeling uneasy, upset and generally exhausted emotionally.  My dreams take me to places that I do not wish to go and explore all the dark places of my mind.

I had serious, no tricking,  night terrors when I was a child.  I frequently would lie awake listening to music hoping to not sleep.  I learned lucid dreaming and how to reshape my dreams from the incredibly terrifying things they were to something rather less icky.

I have a *LOT* of fears around protecting my family/loved ones and my ability/inability in that regard.  It may come from losing my parents and brother when I was in my 20s. So many of my dreams were/are about threats to those people and my attempts to save them. The worst ones are where I am kept somehow from taking action.  Those really put me in a poor headspace for the day(week..month)

So my head is full of darkness and it is seeping into my dreams.

 

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Coping

It is so hard sometimes.  Now and then, it seems that life is determined to grind you into the dirt, spit on you, set you on fire, toss you off a cliff and then kick you in the shins.

I’ve been having a difficult time of late.  It culminated when I found that I’d managed to really, thoroughly  fuck up.

So, my brother, the only family I have left invited me to his wedding (he’s been married for 6 years and they are finally throwing themselves a little ceremony).  This is a huge bright point that I eagerly, enthusiastically tried to grasp.

I poked around for inexpensive flights (there are none between here and the three airports that are sort of nearish to him).   I bought a pretty dress, and underpinnings and things.

Did I mention that it was short notice and the wedding very soon?

Anyway.  Back to me fucking up my finances.

I managed to catch the flu of hacking snotfullness and spent a week out of work (sleeping, taking meds, sleeping some more, hacking my lungs out, putting them back into my body).  Somewhere in there, I lost track of what the hell I was doing and managed to make myself broke-ass.

Now I am trying to get a refund on the airfare.  I’ve returned some things I bought.  I have no idea is any of the things I’ve done will get me out of the deep hell hole I managed to dig.  But I am trying.  I will keep trying.

Meanwhile.  I have not see my brother in over a decade. I have not met my 5 y.o. niece or my 3 y.o nephew.  I have not been back in my home state in…well, I don’t know for sure exactly.   I desperately want to go to this wedding and see them.

Plus, I have been not sleeping at night.  My dreams are full of dead people and strangeness.  Like Supernatural levels of strangeness.   Actually, I think Dean & Sam showed up in one or two.

Then.

On Saturday, my partner took me to the beach.  I don’t know if I can express what that means to me.  No, I really can’t.  There are simply no words.

I needed to stick my toes in the sand and the surf. And just sit and be.  There in the sun and wind, hearing the crash of the ocean, watching the tide come in.

It was glorious.

I don’t know exactly what I will do but I feel much better to handle whatever.

Therapy, A Trip and Contemplating My Bellybutton

Despite the recent (see:When it rains, it pours ) spate of bad financial news, I set off Monday for my much longed for visit with my long distance partner.  This trip was only made possible through the extreme generosity of his OSO and her husband.  Yay for awesome metamours! [For more info about polyamory/multiple relationships]

Anyway, we met in the middle as it were in Las Vegas because a flight to there was way less expensive than a flight from here to him.  We went out twice and spent most of the time in bed or cuddling on the couch.  Just being together.   We saw Zumanity and what an amazing show that was!   And we got free tix to see the Zombie Burlesque show which was also just a huge amount of fun.

In between the shows (and yes, just a bit of debauchery), we talked and dreamed together about the future.

It solidified in me that the best thing for my mental and physical health is to leave the Bay area and move back to Arizona.  Much of my chosen family is there.  And supportive friends who grok my situation.  And sunshine. Lots of sunshine.

My last therapy session I spent most of the time talking about how dissatisfied I was with my job.   Plus how guilty I felt about being dissatisfied. I should be grateful I have a job at all!   It pays okay and my coworkers are really amazing. My boss is really amazing.  The atmosphere in the office is totally laid back, friendly and I feel appreciated.  But.

I am bored. I feel underutilized. This job is just not the right fit for me.  I dread going to work each day and when I am there, I count the minutes until I can leave.

Chatting with various service people about where I am from and why I was there in LV and making small talk really brought home to me just how incredibly unhappy I am being here. There are so many womderfully cool things about here but they are outweighed for my depressive, introverted, shy self by the bad (overcrowding, horrendous traffic, insane housing cost and oh, did I mention the unrelenting press of people?)

So now to figure out how to get myself and the partner I live with back to Arizona.  The financial hit makes this way more tricky.  ~sigh~

 

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