Still waiting from a decision on my disability claim. Feeling frustrated and discouraged. Felt myself about to drown in the dark pool of depression. My wolfcub suggested we make real all the talk about selling our crafts. So I have an Etsy shop! He makes chain mail jewelry and I, as you know, make beaded stuff. My shop is Dragon Wolf Crafts
I am slowly adding inventory to the shop. Taking good pictures has been a challenge but I think I have some decent ones.
Making is wonderful and each completed piece brings me fulfillment. I have a reminder set so I can spend some time every day working on either crafting or on the shop. It’s good to have some structure to my days. I was getting lost.
So that’s the good. I’m still fretting about money because bills need to be paid. I added up how much it would take to make me current and it’s over $2000 with interest adding up every day. Each company offers help if you have some small income but they don’t have anything if you are flat ass broke like I am. Hopefully, the shop will allow me to pay something.
I am in a weird mental state right now. Hopeful but not. Really discouraged by politics and what feels like lack of social change. Discouraged by having no money and not hearing about my disability claim. But I make things! Pretty things. And I have a shop that may generate some income. I have friends and family who love and support me. Plus it is Secret Santa season! And I get to send out nifty holiday cards all over the country. But I’ve been sleeping poorly. And I’m tired all the time. And my hands hurt.
So, yeah. Weird mental/emotional state of late.
So, last Thursday was the perfect storm of just too many things gone wrong. I’ve been having very bad pain days I think partially due to winter finally arriving to the Valley of the Sun(winter being relative but it is a change in weather nevertheless). I had finally made contact with a therapist and I was nearly giddy at the prospect of getting into therapy and on the road to better mental health. The appointment was originally set for early December but a cancellation allowed me a chance for last Thursday. Giddy! Glee! Unfortunately, I failed to ask a vital question when setting up my appointment. They didn’t take my insurance and as y’all know I am broke ass. I didn’t have the $225 or really, any money for the initial appointment. So I thanked the front office person and left.
I sat in my car and cried. I started off back home and my gas light came on. I cried some more. It’s a miracle I didn’t have an accident. I did make it home though.
I felt so overwhelmed with what I felt was failure.
I took a deep breath. I put the pills away. And then I took a nap and cuddled with my kittens.
I still feel fragile. And I’m cranky. Moody. All of that fun stuff. Dreading the holidays and feeling isolated.
I have $0.51 in the bank. I would like to treat myself to Moravian sugar cookies. A taste from home.
But I’m still here. My story continues.
On my rollercoaster ride of depression, I’m currently at a very, very low point. I was finally able to connect with a therapist and my first session is tomorrow. So there’s that. I’ve been either sleeping too little or too much. For the past several days, I’ve not been able to talk myself into getting out of bed until the afternoon. I feel so useless. Like why bother going through the motions. I’ve been eating either way too little or too much of the wrong things.
Still waiting on a decision on my disability. Meanwhile, I need food, gas, pet supplies. All of my bills are overdue. I have no answers for the nice folks that keep calling me about them or sending me letters or email. Many of my clothes don’t fit anymore. It’d be nice to have a pair of orthopedic slippers for around the house. It’d be nice to go to a movie.
I’ve been trying to read or listen to music but that’s not really working on my anxiety. It helps for a little while. And I guess those small moments will have to do for now. My dreams are full of all kinds of anxiety induced monsters.
I am hoping that therapy will help. Except I am anxious about the added expense on top of everything else. But I know I need the help. But I will continue to fret.
As always, if you can help, here is my YouCaring page: A Helping Hand
And my PayPal
Medical stuff. Seriously. Trying to get healthy is exhausting. And expensive. Why? And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.
So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests. It was like 8 or 10 vials! So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body. But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad. He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.
I’m researching renal diets. And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food. Yay! There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all. I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist. sigh
I still need to find a therapist. I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients. I also need to get my eyes checked. Oh, and the dentist.
In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability. Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision. I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day. But that’s not how my brain works. Anyway.
I got to see my wolfcub! So that was a happy. He gave me a pretty!
He’s making many pretties to sell. I’ll let you know where you can get yours.
Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!
- If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
- If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.
If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways:
Podiatrist down. Mostly good news. Yearly checkups for now. Need orthotics though. Gotta keep my feet all healthy and stuff.
Next is dentist. I’m scared, honestly. My gums are in very poor shape. It’s likely going to take a lot of work to get a healthy mouth.
The earliest appointment with the rheumatologist I could get is late October but it is scheduled.
I have to get Finn fixed and microchipped very soon.
Mentally/emotionally, I’m up and down but not as down. Thanks, effexor! Also trying to be social. I *think* I made some real connections Saturday night. Hope this is the start of really developing a friend circle and start putting down roots which is vital to my mental health.
My disability claim was denied as many, many, many, many people warned me would happen. Now I have to decide if I have the spoons to get a lawyer and appeal. It feels overwhelming.
I will note that I have made phone calls and gotten necessary medical appointments. So that feels like a huge accomplishment to me. I will also note that I have several other phone calls to make which I’ve not steeled myself to make as of yet. I still need to see a nephrologist and a therapist and get my eyes checked. And now I need to get an appointment to get my feet all measured for orthotics so they stay as healthy as possible.
Please do not tell me how easy it is to just call see: Why don’t you just…
I guess I will continue to get out of bed each day and do what I am able.
Special thanks to my lovely, generous friends who manage to show me in a myriad of ways that I am loved.
A Helping Hand
Made it through 2016. Barely. It was a difficult year in so many ways. Both personally and politically (societally). I had a few really, really good moments:
And many not so good moments. My depression is…well, as up and down as it goes. I had a good therapist before moving back to AZ and that helped so very much. I haven’t yet found one here. My energy is being expended on my physical health plus external stuff (relationships, finances and the like). The election, the numerous celebrity deaths have also had an impact.
I have to make changes or I will die. Not kidding. My health needs to come first. Self-care has always been difficult for me. I invest so much in caring for others. I have to do it if I want to continue on in this life.
Part of self-care is writing, writing, writing. So I will make a greater effort to blog more regularly.
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