So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my current load of issues. So much has happened since I last posted anything. I did find a therapist who is wonderful. I am very optimistic that she’ll be a big help in my journey to better mental health.
I’ll need it because my physical health is…well, not so great. My follow-up with the nephrologist was rescheduled by that office until next month. My labs show a slight decrease in kidney function so I really need to consult with him. My primary care doc continues to be my champion. One of my labs is elevated which indicates either liver impairment or something else. I had follow-up labs this week and it’s not my liver. I will be seeing a hematologist next week to try to figure out what the heck is going on. Unfortunately, I spent time consulting with Dr. Google and now I’m all freaked out. There is a chance of bone disease of some type including perhaps, cancer. So there’s that.
Speaking of bones, I now know why my back hurts all the time. I have a bulging disc and degenerative disc disease. Yay me. I’m waiting to hear back from the neurosurgeon’s office about an appointment.
How am I coping? ~sigh~ Well, music therapy helps some. Today I’ve been rearranging the house which has also helped. I’ve asked for support from friends (go me! actually asking) and they’ve been wonderful. I am reminding myself to take things one step at a time. Cope with the bits that I am able and don’t sweat the what-ifs. I’ll have more information soon enough and can then decide how to handle things.
Sorry all. I just had my yearly eye exam. New script! So my lenses will be around $55 and I found cheap frames for a total of $89. Plus I really need to get my Pete to the vet for booster shots and annual exam. Should be around $250 or maybe less if I talk nice to the vet. If you wish to help me out, you can Paypal Me (noting glasses fund or pet care fund on the note) or to my general help fund at YouCaring Helping Hand
Thanks! In other news, I’m waiting to hear back about an appointment with a therapist who sounds perfect for me. Good wishes are very welcome!
It’s a new year! ~confetti~
After a long cold and stressful trip to KC to visit my partner’s family, I return and promptly came down with a bad cold or maybe the flu that’s running rampant. I’m still recovering. Then early yesterday, my uterus betrayed me. I woke up at O dark thirty with a red tide. ~sigh~ Then today…not a damn thing. Though I did go out and re-stocked up on menstrual stuff. It had been over 100 days since I had a period. So reset and hope for 365 days so I can officially be in menopause and hopefully, one day, be post-menopausal.
Haven’t made a decision on exactly what to do about my disability denial yet. Being feverish was not helping with my decision making skills. Need to gear up and produce many pretty beaded things for my Etsy store though. Hoping folks will want to start shopping soon for Valentine’s Day.
I’ve made some decisions about where I want to be by the end of this year and how to get there but I’m not ready to really talk about it publicly.
I need to get my kittens to the vet for checkups. So anything you can toss my way would be awesome. Also, I have follow-ups myself with the nephrologist and my primary care doc and the dentist. But I have new insurance so I may not have copays and my meds should be a little less expensive. I think. I hope so. Or I could be screwed and not able to see my specialists. Guess I’ll find out! Yay.
Guess my mental health hasn’t improved much since I can only focus on the worst scenarios. Except I can go hunting for a therapist with my new insurance and hopefully get that stuff under better control. Yay.
Here’s the linkage for today:
My Etsy Shop
YouCaring Donation site
Still waiting from a decision on my disability claim. Feeling frustrated and discouraged. Felt myself about to drown in the dark pool of depression. My wolfcub suggested we make real all the talk about selling our crafts. So I have an Etsy shop! He makes chain mail jewelry and I, as you know, make beaded stuff. My shop is Dragon Wolf Crafts
I am slowly adding inventory to the shop. Taking good pictures has been a challenge but I think I have some decent ones.
Making is wonderful and each completed piece brings me fulfillment. I have a reminder set so I can spend some time every day working on either crafting or on the shop. It’s good to have some structure to my days. I was getting lost.
So that’s the good. I’m still fretting about money because bills need to be paid. I added up how much it would take to make me current and it’s over $2000 with interest adding up every day. Each company offers help if you have some small income but they don’t have anything if you are flat ass broke like I am. Hopefully, the shop will allow me to pay something.
I am in a weird mental state right now. Hopeful but not. Really discouraged by politics and what feels like lack of social change. Discouraged by having no money and not hearing about my disability claim. But I make things! Pretty things. And I have a shop that may generate some income. I have friends and family who love and support me. Plus it is Secret Santa season! And I get to send out nifty holiday cards all over the country. But I’ve been sleeping poorly. And I’m tired all the time. And my hands hurt.
So, yeah. Weird mental/emotional state of late.
So, last Thursday was the perfect storm of just too many things gone wrong. I’ve been having very bad pain days I think partially due to winter finally arriving to the Valley of the Sun(winter being relative but it is a change in weather nevertheless). I had finally made contact with a therapist and I was nearly giddy at the prospect of getting into therapy and on the road to better mental health. The appointment was originally set for early December but a cancellation allowed me a chance for last Thursday. Giddy! Glee! Unfortunately, I failed to ask a vital question when setting up my appointment. They didn’t take my insurance and as y’all know I am broke ass. I didn’t have the $225 or really, any money for the initial appointment. So I thanked the front office person and left.
I sat in my car and cried. I started off back home and my gas light came on. I cried some more. It’s a miracle I didn’t have an accident. I did make it home though.
I felt so overwhelmed with what I felt was failure.
I took a deep breath. I put the pills away. And then I took a nap and cuddled with my kittens.
I still feel fragile. And I’m cranky. Moody. All of that fun stuff. Dreading the holidays and feeling isolated.
I have $0.51 in the bank. I would like to treat myself to Moravian sugar cookies. A taste from home.
But I’m still here. My story continues.
On my rollercoaster ride of depression, I’m currently at a very, very low point. I was finally able to connect with a therapist and my first session is tomorrow. So there’s that. I’ve been either sleeping too little or too much. For the past several days, I’ve not been able to talk myself into getting out of bed until the afternoon. I feel so useless. Like why bother going through the motions. I’ve been eating either way too little or too much of the wrong things.
Still waiting on a decision on my disability. Meanwhile, I need food, gas, pet supplies. All of my bills are overdue. I have no answers for the nice folks that keep calling me about them or sending me letters or email. Many of my clothes don’t fit anymore. It’d be nice to have a pair of orthopedic slippers for around the house. It’d be nice to go to a movie.
I’ve been trying to read or listen to music but that’s not really working on my anxiety. It helps for a little while. And I guess those small moments will have to do for now. My dreams are full of all kinds of anxiety induced monsters.
I am hoping that therapy will help. Except I am anxious about the added expense on top of everything else. But I know I need the help. But I will continue to fret.
As always, if you can help, here is my YouCaring page: A Helping Hand
And my PayPal
Medical stuff. Seriously. Trying to get healthy is exhausting. And expensive. Why? And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.
So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests. It was like 8 or 10 vials! So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body. But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad. He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.
I’m researching renal diets. And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food. Yay! There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all. I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist. sigh
I still need to find a therapist. I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients. I also need to get my eyes checked. Oh, and the dentist.
In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability. Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision. I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day. But that’s not how my brain works. Anyway.
I got to see my wolfcub! So that was a happy. He gave me a pretty!
He’s making many pretties to sell. I’ll let you know where you can get yours.
Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!
- If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
- If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.
If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways: